Up All Night With Jesus In The Rain

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Kenneth2816
Posts: 1347
Joined: 01 Jun 2008, 09:17

Up All Night With Jesus In The Rain

#1 Post by Kenneth2816 » 06 Apr 2021, 04:22

The eyes are not portals to a different
world where some other you has it
good; new lover, house on the water,
and children, you see,

that the choked-off ,disaffected voice
on the other end of the line asking
for bail money and air fare would not
drop you to your knees.

* I've previously used this title

BobBradshaw
Posts: 1854
Joined: 03 Jun 2016, 21:03

Re: Up All Night With Jesus In The Rain

#2 Post by BobBradshaw » 06 Apr 2021, 08:47

I can identify with s2 especially. It's darn good writing.

At first I wanted to know more about the "you" in this poem. Maybe one other stanza or two to set up that fab last stanza. But there is a beauty in this compactness; so I go back and forth on whether to expand the poem or not, which isn't helpful to the writer...Is the comma, question mark after "you see" intentional? If so, why?

The "you see" throws me...I've read this poem many times...so now I pretend the "you see" isn't there when I'm reading and s2 works for me....otherwise starting s2 with "that" after "you see,?" confuses me. Maybe it's me, Ken. Tell me I'm full of s--- and I'll feel better.

Kenneth2816
Posts: 1347
Joined: 01 Jun 2008, 09:17

Re: Up All Night With Jesus In The Rain

#3 Post by Kenneth2816 » 06 Apr 2021, 13:58

No, you're spot on. I added it for effect. It is distracting.

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