Oldie

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meenas17
Posts: 804
Joined: 23 Mar 2014, 11:27

Oldie

#1 Post by meenas17 » 11 Apr 2021, 20:41

Lush black hair
silky and soft.
dangles so pretty
on my shoulders,
enhance the skin colour
granting a charm,
I look fair and young.

Losing little of the dark hue
the hair lacks luster,
still holds an intensity
tied up like a bun
rests quiet on the lower neck
producing a maturity,
I turn responsible,

Black and grey mix
grow dense in no time,
My crown takes the cue
from pepper, solid and crushed,
tends to be sparse at places
proposes a scholarly
appearance all too soon.

Greying rapidly
my hair flutters
in the air like
the waned wings
of an old bird,
bereft of a glow,
"Oldie," they call me.
meenas17

BobBradshaw
Posts: 1854
Joined: 03 Jun 2016, 21:03

Re: Oldie

#2 Post by BobBradshaw » 12 Apr 2021, 21:19

I like your developed concept.

These lines are stellar:
proposes a scholarly
appearance all too soon.

I would cut the last 2 lines and end here

Greying rapidly
my hair flutters
in the air like
the waned wings
of an old bird.

Also trim lines 5-7. Too telly.

Overall a good poem... enjoyed!

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Billy
Posts: 1084
Joined: 22 Jun 2006, 10:56

Re: Oldie

#3 Post by Billy » 17 Apr 2021, 18:14

Yes, our hair can reveal much about our health. But your hair sounds beautiful.

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