Lush black hair
silky and soft.
dangles so pretty
on my shoulders,
enhance the skin colour
granting a charm,
I look fair and young.
Losing little of the dark hue
the hair lacks luster,
still holds an intensity
tied up like a bun
rests quiet on the lower neck
producing a maturity,
I turn responsible,
Black and grey mix
grow dense in no time,
My crown takes the cue
from pepper, solid and crushed,
tends to be sparse at places
proposes a scholarly
appearance all too soon.
Greying rapidly
my hair flutters
in the air like
the waned wings
of an old bird,
bereft of a glow,
"Oldie," they call me.
Oldie
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- Posts: 2688
- Joined: 03 Jun 2016, 21:03
Re: Oldie
I like your developed concept.
These lines are stellar:
proposes a scholarly
appearance all too soon.
I would cut the last 2 lines and end here
Greying rapidly
my hair flutters
in the air like
the waned wings
of an old bird.
Also trim lines 5-7. Too telly.
Overall a good poem... enjoyed!
These lines are stellar:
proposes a scholarly
appearance all too soon.
I would cut the last 2 lines and end here
Greying rapidly
my hair flutters
in the air like
the waned wings
of an old bird.
Also trim lines 5-7. Too telly.
Overall a good poem... enjoyed!