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Oldie

Posted: 11 Apr 2021, 20:41
by meenas17
Lush black hair
silky and soft.
dangles so pretty
on my shoulders,
enhance the skin colour
granting a charm,
I look fair and young.

Losing little of the dark hue
the hair lacks luster,
still holds an intensity
tied up like a bun
rests quiet on the lower neck
producing a maturity,
I turn responsible,

Black and grey mix
grow dense in no time,
My crown takes the cue
from pepper, solid and crushed,
tends to be sparse at places
proposes a scholarly
appearance all too soon.

Greying rapidly
my hair flutters
in the air like
the waned wings
of an old bird,
bereft of a glow,
"Oldie," they call me.

Re: Oldie

Posted: 12 Apr 2021, 21:19
by BobBradshaw
I like your developed concept.

These lines are stellar:
proposes a scholarly
appearance all too soon.

I would cut the last 2 lines and end here

Greying rapidly
my hair flutters
in the air like
the waned wings
of an old bird.

Also trim lines 5-7. Too telly.

Overall a good poem... enjoyed!

Re: Oldie

Posted: 17 Apr 2021, 18:14
by Billy
Yes, our hair can reveal much about our health. But your hair sounds beautiful.