Into The Depths

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meenas17
Posts: 818
Joined: 23 Mar 2014, 11:27

Into The Depths

#1 Post by meenas17 » 03 Jun 2021, 21:08

Wind blows strong with a roar,
Coconuts fall on the roof, thud thud
it goes, setting the heart to pound.

Unusual of the Sun. It is 4
in the evening. Darkness casts
in full fledge, Down goes the Sun,

Could this be a bad omen?
Is the world going to end?
The throb induces a palpitation.

Lub a dub beats the heart
Mild pain radiates through the arm
travels to the wrist.

Pressure accelerates,
resting the head on a raised
pillow, I look around,

Every other thing is in place,
ceiling fan, lights, consoles
remain unscathed. it is only me.

Sun is up again,
wind has ceased,
So do I. Fig like I turn
strong and cheerful
meenas17

BobBradshaw
Posts: 1920
Joined: 03 Jun 2016, 21:03

Re: Into The Depths

#2 Post by BobBradshaw » 06 Jun 2021, 09:25

I like these lines best...terrific detail.

Mild pain radiates through the arm
travels to the wrist.

S2 is weak. "Darkness in full fledge...." needs improvement.

"Lub a dub" seems odd in this context. It seems like the opposite of what should be happening...wild palpitations is what I expected, not a calm heartbeat. I would just take out the line.

The "thud thud" isn't strong enough. Look to make the verbs more active. Maybe something like "coconuts crash through the roof, my chest cratering under my heart's pounding ..." well, not great but you get the idea.

Why the line "So do I." It suggests that you have "ceased" as well.

And why the word "Fig" in the next to last line?

Roll up the sleeves, get to work. There's potential in this subject

meenas17
Posts: 818
Joined: 23 Mar 2014, 11:27

Re: Into The Depths

#3 Post by meenas17 » 06 Jun 2021, 17:55

Bob,

I will do with your suggestions in mind.
meenas17

FranktheFrank
Posts: 1561
Joined: 02 Mar 2016, 18:07
Location: Between the mountains and the sea

Re: Into The Depths

#4 Post by FranktheFrank » 07 Jun 2021, 01:58

Wind blows strong with a roar, [suggest something like: A monsoon wind roars or a sudden gust roars through the palms]
Coconuts fall on the roof, thud thud [coconuts rattle the tin roof like shrapnel at the Somme]
it goes, setting the heart to pound. [it sets my heart pounding]

Unusual of the Sun. It is 4
in the evening. Darkness casts
in full fledge, Down goes the Sun, [Dusk casts dark shadows]

Could this be a bad omen?
Is the world going to end?
The throb induces a palpitation.

Lub a dub beats the heart [lub-a-dub-dub, lub-a-dub-dub beats my heart (sounds good to me, standard British English)]
Mild pain radiates through the arm [a stab of pain shoots ]
travels to the wrist.

Pressure accelerates,
resting the head on a raised
pillow, I look around,

Every other thing is in place,
ceiling fan, lights, consoles
remain unscathed. it is only me.

Sun is up again,
wind has ceased,
So do I. Fig like I turn [Fig-like I turn. - This is unfamiliar to me, but must mean something in India]
strong and cheerful

Meena, I think you are brave to show us the affliction of nerves that assail us all at times.
Small trivial thing startle us and we laugh afterwards, but the fear is real,
sweatiness, palpitations, stomach churning and so on. But a coconut can kill
falling from fifty feet and more whoever is underneath. And the sound can
set of nerves as if we are in a battle.
Well done.

meenas17
Posts: 818
Joined: 23 Mar 2014, 11:27

Re: Into The Depths

#5 Post by meenas17 » 07 Jun 2021, 20:08

Thanks, Frank
I value your critique
meenas17

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