Atypical

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meenas17
Posts: 818
Joined: 23 Mar 2014, 11:27

Atypical

#1 Post by meenas17 » 13 Jun 2021, 17:30

Carefree and smiling
facing zero impediments
at any moment,

Schooling done easy
University being facile
the outlook of life

brings in splendour,
happiness being
the be all and end all.

Marriage follows, as is the
tradition, with that heavy
responsibilities stream in.

Experiencing a cultural
upheaval, my enthusiasm
dies all too soon.

Demands at every corner,
diffidence always in sight
forces a metamorphosis.

I relinquish my endearing nature
Did I become a shrew?
No, not exactly.

I count every penny,
weigh every turn of events,
think, think to the power of n.

Losing the spontaneity. I am overloaded
carry a bundle of contradictions with
a parcel of contemplation.

Life has treated me harsh.
My smile lives with me prescribing
atypical connotations at various stages.
meenas17

BobBradshaw
Posts: 1919
Joined: 03 Jun 2016, 21:03

Re: Atypical

#2 Post by BobBradshaw » 13 Jun 2021, 19:43

This poem has a number of thoughts. Tying each one with an image would be very helpful. When you do that I think you'll find you can trim most of the telling.

Kenneth2816
Posts: 1383
Joined: 01 Jun 2008, 09:17

Re: Atypical

#3 Post by Kenneth2816 » 16 Jun 2021, 18:01

True

FranktheFrank
Posts: 1561
Joined: 02 Mar 2016, 18:07
Location: Between the mountains and the sea

Re: Atypical

#4 Post by FranktheFrank » 18 Jun 2021, 01:48

Meena
I think it should be 'harshly' on the last strophe.

Life has been harsh
or
Life has treated me harshly.

Power of n is good, n x n x n . . .

Losing the spontaneity should be :
losing spontaneity, [continue the sentence]

Suggestion:
Losing spontaneity, I find my self overloaded,
carrying a bundle of contradictions
tied up in a parcel of contemplation.

I know you love the language and long words,
sometimes shorter and more common usage improve the poem
keeping the unusual words to make impact.

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Billy
Posts: 1107
Joined: 22 Jun 2006, 10:56

Re: Atypical

#5 Post by Billy » 25 Jun 2021, 02:52

Lots of times I pick a topic or incident that attracts me then try to feel it and think of things that invoke those same feelings.

meenas17
Posts: 818
Joined: 23 Mar 2014, 11:27

Re: Atypical

#6 Post by meenas17 » 25 Jun 2021, 21:01

Thanks, Frank
I will consider your suggestions in the revision.
meenas17

meenas17
Posts: 818
Joined: 23 Mar 2014, 11:27

Re: Atypical

#7 Post by meenas17 » 25 Jun 2021, 21:01

Bob,
Yes imagery is missing. I will work on it.
meenas17

meenas17
Posts: 818
Joined: 23 Mar 2014, 11:27

Re: Atypical

#8 Post by meenas17 » 25 Jun 2021, 21:02

Billy,
I do not get your point.
meenas17

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