Loon
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- Posts: 2683
- Joined: 03 Jun 2016, 21:03
Loon
v2:
Loon
We had never been a couple, my hopes
of romance with her one-sided.
Now here she was back in the city,
passing through in all likelihood
to San Diego or maybe L.A.
She was available for coffee chats,
but she would never talk for longer
than half an hour. Predictably she disappeared
again into the air, headed out of SFO
while I foolishly watched—my chance
of romance fading like a wail
of a single loon on isolated waters.
v1:
Loon
When I hear the loon’s wail as dusk deepens
I sense the briefness of an Arctic summer,
its call haunting like a wolf’s
when separated from its pack.
The loon desperate cries for his mate
to answer back, to know where she is.
For years I hadn’t seen Beth—
flown off to Boston.
We had never been a couple, my hopes
of romance with her one-sided.
Finally I had accepted that, my friends
calling me crazy as a loon, to have ever
pursued her. Now here she was back again,
passing through in all likelihood
to San Diego or maybe L.A.
She was available for coffee chats,
but she would never talk for longer
than half an hour. Predictably she disappeared
again into the air, headed out of SFO
while I foolishly watched—my chance
of romance fading like a wail
of a single loon on isolated waters--
its cries answered by a numbing silence,
the frigid upwelling of deep waters.
Loon
We had never been a couple, my hopes
of romance with her one-sided.
Now here she was back in the city,
passing through in all likelihood
to San Diego or maybe L.A.
She was available for coffee chats,
but she would never talk for longer
than half an hour. Predictably she disappeared
again into the air, headed out of SFO
while I foolishly watched—my chance
of romance fading like a wail
of a single loon on isolated waters.
v1:
Loon
When I hear the loon’s wail as dusk deepens
I sense the briefness of an Arctic summer,
its call haunting like a wolf’s
when separated from its pack.
The loon desperate cries for his mate
to answer back, to know where she is.
For years I hadn’t seen Beth—
flown off to Boston.
We had never been a couple, my hopes
of romance with her one-sided.
Finally I had accepted that, my friends
calling me crazy as a loon, to have ever
pursued her. Now here she was back again,
passing through in all likelihood
to San Diego or maybe L.A.
She was available for coffee chats,
but she would never talk for longer
than half an hour. Predictably she disappeared
again into the air, headed out of SFO
while I foolishly watched—my chance
of romance fading like a wail
of a single loon on isolated waters--
its cries answered by a numbing silence,
the frigid upwelling of deep waters.
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- Posts: 1983
- Joined: 02 Mar 2016, 18:07
- Location: Between the mountains and the sea
Re: Loon
I like, good draft, and interesting metaphor
comparing the loon's call with unrequited love.
I feel you have overstated your case somewhat at the last few stanzas.
Trim a little?The loon’s wail as dusk deepens
my sense [of] the briefness of an Arctic summer,
its call haunting like a wolf separated from its pack.
You could trim almost every line.
But I like this one.
comparing the loon's call with unrequited love.
I feel you have overstated your case somewhat at the last few stanzas.
Trim a little?
Code: Select all
When I hear
my sense [of] the briefness of an Arctic summer,
its call haunting like a wolf
Code: Select all
when
You could trim almost every line.
But I like this one.
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- Posts: 1619
- Joined: 01 Jun 2008, 09:17
Re: Loon
Much agree with Frank. Once you set up the premise, it's not necessary to keep repeating it.
Last four lines should be reduced to one impactful line.
Last four lines should be reduced to one impactful line.
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- Posts: 2683
- Joined: 03 Jun 2016, 21:03
Re: Loon
Thanks, guys. I will remove the last 2 lines.
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- Posts: 2683
- Joined: 03 Jun 2016, 21:03
Re: Loon
Thx for the advice...I have removed the next to last stanza.
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- Posts: 1983
- Joined: 02 Mar 2016, 18:07
- Location: Between the mountains and the sea
Re: Loon
It is still far too wordy, Bob.
Sorry to say.
Sorry to say.
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- Posts: 2683
- Joined: 03 Jun 2016, 21:03
Re: Loon
Thx, Frank. Could you point out the part that is wordy?
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- Posts: 2683
- Joined: 03 Jun 2016, 21:03
Re: Loon
Ok, trimmed more. Let me know... thx
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- Posts: 2154
- Joined: 18 Apr 2005, 04:57
Re: Loon
Hi Bob,
Comma after "her" -
We had never been a couple, my hopes
of romance with her, one-sided.
The adverb"Predictably" is more tell than show - maybe the last as (and to save theat image of lone wolf) -
but she would never talk for longer
than half an hour - then again vanished
with runway air, while I futility watched
my chance of romance - a wolf separated from its pack -
fading like a wail of a single loon on isolated waters.
Comma after "her" -
We had never been a couple, my hopes
of romance with her, one-sided.
The adverb"Predictably" is more tell than show - maybe the last as (and to save theat image of lone wolf) -
but she would never talk for longer
than half an hour - then again vanished
with runway air, while I futility watched
my chance of romance - a wolf separated from its pack -
fading like a wail of a single loon on isolated waters.
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- Posts: 2683
- Joined: 03 Jun 2016, 21:03
Re: Loon
Thx, Michael, for your workshopping. Appreciate it.