Swiftly Now

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Billy
Posts: 1384
Joined: 22 Jun 2006, 10:56

Swiftly Now

#1 Post by Billy » 20 Nov 2021, 08:07

Swiftly Now (revised)

And all things appear before me,
remembered or not. The many fallen
leaves, their veins and dried bodies

the color of fire like the blaze of life
itself. To warm ourselves a bit
longer as the cold numbs this world.

We believe it’s an emptiness lasting
a moment, and the darkness will
be overcome by light, nothing hidden.



Swiftly Now

And all things appear before me,
remembered or not. The many fallen
leaves, their veins and bodies

the color of fire like the blaze of life
itself. To warm ourselves a bit longer
as the cold begins to settle in our

bones. We know it will only last
a moment, and the darkness will
be overcome by light, nothing hidden.

Kenneth2816
Posts: 1619
Joined: 01 Jun 2008, 09:17

Re: Swiftly Now

#2 Post by Kenneth2816 » 20 Nov 2021, 13:41

Nice poem, reflective in a universal way. Only issue I have is "cold begins to settle into our bones" which I find is cliche.

Reads as if it about the approach of winter, even if allegorically.

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Billy
Posts: 1384
Joined: 22 Jun 2006, 10:56

Re: Swiftly Now

#3 Post by Billy » 20 Nov 2021, 18:44

Thanks Ken

I knew it was cliche but it was late. Will probably revisit it or abandon.

BobBradshaw
Posts: 2683
Joined: 03 Jun 2016, 21:03

Re: Swiftly Now

#4 Post by BobBradshaw » 20 Nov 2021, 22:14

Nicely handled, especially the understatement. I liked the fall colors, which are so overused but which you brought a new "life" to.

Michael (MV)
Posts: 2154
Joined: 18 Apr 2005, 04:57

Re: Swiftly Now

#5 Post by Michael (MV) » 21 Nov 2021, 04:40

Hi Billy,

Please don't lose "emptiness" - here's a workshop suggestion on the original:

. . . To warm ourselves a bit
longer with the leaving of the heat.

We believe it’s an emptiness lasting
a moment,


"The crucial triad" - as poet & editor C. E. Chaffin coined it - exists here:

1/ Title - aptly named

2/ The Opening - creatively echoes "my life passed before me"

3/ the "nothing hidden" makes the Finale


Arriving here is not the angel of death, but the angel of dying rescuing life from death. Not DOA; instead AOA - Alive on Arrival!

Just last week I wrote the phrase "angel-swift" in a draft. Perhaps I will post it in December, since I have posted a few this month.

Billy, this is one also on my IBPC radar

😎

Michael (MV)

FranktheFrank
Posts: 1983
Joined: 02 Mar 2016, 18:07
Location: Between the mountains and the sea

Re: Swiftly Now

#6 Post by FranktheFrank » 21 Nov 2021, 15:55

This work of Billy is relevant as to the time of year.
I've just come from a walk in the woods and the colours are magical.
I relate to the veins of the fallen leaves
as the veins on our old hands
that stick out and point to the path
we must follow.

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Billy
Posts: 1384
Joined: 22 Jun 2006, 10:56

Re: Swiftly Now

#7 Post by Billy » 07 Dec 2021, 04:47

Thanks Bob, Michael, Frank

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