v2:
When I Heard my Ex was Pregnant
At first I wanted to drive past
your new fancy house
hooting and hollering,
gesticulating lewdly
reminding your unblemished husband
where you had come from.
Crushed by the news
that old sense of failure returned,
the feeling of a man
rushing from a bank
with empty bags, the getaway car
nowhere in sight.
You had left me with a bad credit history.
And here you were living
in a gated community, pregnant.
I drank whiskey
all night as if it was
an antidote for venom.
Why? It's not as if
I wanted you to come back.
but my life felt as if
it were now no more
than a footnote in yours,
a note that would be left out
in the next edition.
V1:
When I Heard my Ex was Pregnant
The first thing I wanted to do
was to buy a big car,
and to hoot and holler lewdly
as I cruised past your huge home,
reminding your unblemished husband
where you had come from.
Somehow I felt diminished
by the news. I hadn't seen you
for several years.
But there it was, the old
sense of failure,
the feeling of a man
rushing from a bank
with empty bags, the getaway car
nowhere in sight.
You had left me with a bad credit history.
And here you were living
in a gated community, pregnant.
I drank whiskey
all night as if it was
an antidote for venom.
Why? It's not as if
I wanted you to come back.
but my life felt as if
it were now no more
than a footnote in yours,
a note that would be left out
in the next edition.
When I Heard my Ex was Pregnant
Re: When I Heard my Ex was Pregnant
I like the poem with your usual flair for relationships and the broken that often appears in your biographical poems of composers. I think you don't need stanza 3. I think the reader gets it that N feels diminished; you've painted that picture well without announcing it.
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Re: When I Heard my Ex was Pregnant
Thank you, Billy. I will certainly consider dropping stanza 3, or maybe keep the last 2 lines in it....not sure. Bob
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Re: When I Heard my Ex was Pregnant
Painful story, Bob.
Because it sounds as speech I suggest
'You'd' in s2 instead of 'you had'.
Some suggestions, Bob.
S1
At first I'd, wanted to drive past
your new fancy house
a hooting an' a hollering
gesticulating lewdly
Crushed by the news
that old sense of failure returned
even though
deep down I didn't care.
S4 is great.
s5
You'd broken me
and left me broke.
But you, living high
pregnant with success
carrying his heir
in your belly
s6
I drank all night
an anti-dote
to the venom
in my blood
My life
a footnote
in an unfinished diary
to be left out
in the published edition.
Because it sounds as speech I suggest
'You'd' in s2 instead of 'you had'.
Some suggestions, Bob.
S1
At first I'd, wanted to drive past
your new fancy house
a hooting an' a hollering
gesticulating lewdly
Crushed by the news
that old sense of failure returned
even though
deep down I didn't care.
S4 is great.
s5
You'd broken me
and left me broke.
But you, living high
pregnant with success
carrying his heir
in your belly
s6
I drank all night
an anti-dote
to the venom
in my blood
My life
a footnote
in an unfinished diary
to be left out
in the published edition.
-
- Posts: 2683
- Joined: 03 Jun 2016, 21:03
Re: When I Heard my Ex was Pregnant
I like some of your suggestions...thanks, Frank! When I get some more time I will come back and revise. Thx for taking the time to provide such detailed suggestions.
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- Posts: 2683
- Joined: 03 Jun 2016, 21:03
Re: When I Heard my Ex was Pregnant
Thanks, Frank. I made some revisions.