Disappearing
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- Posts: 2688
- Joined: 03 Jun 2016, 21:03
Disappearing
v2:
Disappearing
I’m almost speechless
trying to describe you. Groovy's
as weak a word invoking you
as a sparkler is mimicking fireworks,
which is what you always were, lighting
my heart as if it were the night sky.
I haven’t seen or heard from you
in decades. These days I’m left
with only work: morning glories,
brittle as parchment paper
to cut down
and the long branches
of roses to be lifted gently
as skyward as possible
without breaking them.
No woman aside from you
has defied my love
like these haughty roses.
My arms sleeved in scratches.
v1:
Disappearing
Nearly everyone I adored
has gone the way of 60s slang:
a happening, bug out, the fuzz,
till I’m almost speechless
trying to describe you. Groovy's
as weak a word invoking you
as a sparkler is mimicking fireworks,
which is what you always were, lighting
my heart as if it were the night sky.
I haven’t seen or heard from you
in decades. These days I’m left
with only work: morning glories,
brittle as parchment paper
to cut down
and the long branches
of roses to be lifted gently
as skyward as possible
without breaking them.
No woman aside from you
has defied my love
like these haughty roses.
My arms sleeved in scratches.
They remind me of times
I never wanted to let you go
from my arms.
You were light as a wren,
and releasing you
felt as if I might set you aloft
—where you would grow
smaller and smaller
till you too were no longer
visible.
Disappearing
I’m almost speechless
trying to describe you. Groovy's
as weak a word invoking you
as a sparkler is mimicking fireworks,
which is what you always were, lighting
my heart as if it were the night sky.
I haven’t seen or heard from you
in decades. These days I’m left
with only work: morning glories,
brittle as parchment paper
to cut down
and the long branches
of roses to be lifted gently
as skyward as possible
without breaking them.
No woman aside from you
has defied my love
like these haughty roses.
My arms sleeved in scratches.
v1:
Disappearing
Nearly everyone I adored
has gone the way of 60s slang:
a happening, bug out, the fuzz,
till I’m almost speechless
trying to describe you. Groovy's
as weak a word invoking you
as a sparkler is mimicking fireworks,
which is what you always were, lighting
my heart as if it were the night sky.
I haven’t seen or heard from you
in decades. These days I’m left
with only work: morning glories,
brittle as parchment paper
to cut down
and the long branches
of roses to be lifted gently
as skyward as possible
without breaking them.
No woman aside from you
has defied my love
like these haughty roses.
My arms sleeved in scratches.
They remind me of times
I never wanted to let you go
from my arms.
You were light as a wren,
and releasing you
felt as if I might set you aloft
—where you would grow
smaller and smaller
till you too were no longer
visible.
Re: Disappearing
I love this whole poem except the final stanza is not enough, at least, not this first reading.
Maybe I just need to read again.
Maybe I just need to read again.
Re: Disappearing
Love this one, Bob, especially
My arms sleeved in scratches. - so visual.
The last stanza
You were light as a wren,
and releasing you
felt as if I might set you aloft
—where you would grow
smaller and smaller
till you too were no longer
visible.
I presume this refers to releasing the metaphoric wren who grows smaller & smaller disappearing into the distance. Perhaps 'set you aloft' might better as something like 'let you fly' or 'set you free'. I'm not sure.
Only a small thought about a wonderful poem.
Eira
My arms sleeved in scratches. - so visual.
The last stanza
You were light as a wren,
and releasing you
felt as if I might set you aloft
—where you would grow
smaller and smaller
till you too were no longer
visible.
I presume this refers to releasing the metaphoric wren who grows smaller & smaller disappearing into the distance. Perhaps 'set you aloft' might better as something like 'let you fly' or 'set you free'. I'm not sure.
Only a small thought about a wonderful poem.
Eira
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- Posts: 1619
- Joined: 01 Jun 2008, 09:17
Re: Disappearing
Bob, I've written this poem. To me it meanders a bit and the reference to letting a bird go is too stale in comparison to the balance of the poem.
Let it marinate. It seems one long in the making.
Let it marinate. It seems one long in the making.
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- Posts: 2688
- Joined: 03 Jun 2016, 21:03
Re: Disappearing
Maybe lopping off some stanzas will help. Revised.