Bergman

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Billy
Posts: 1384
Joined: 22 Jun 2006, 10:56

Bergman

#1 Post by Billy » 18 Apr 2022, 21:51

Sometimes There's Nothing Else To Do (revision)

Dusk, sitting in the bedroom
looking into our master bath,
I am transfixed by the view
through the small, west window.

Bare branches of a dying
crab apple tree, black, tentacled
by hundreds of water sprouts.
Two branches form a cross

framed in the window. Behind,
the darkening sky, a gauze
of clouds glows with the day's
remaining light surrounded

by a mass of black clouds
encroaching slowly, silently.
As I sit, benumbed by the news
of the war, the tentacles

suck the life from the tree,
deep cavities in its trunk
like the craters left by bombs.
I'll have to chop it down soon.


Bergman

Dusk, sitting in the bedroom
looking into our master bath,
I am transfixed by the view
through the small, west window.
Bare branches of a dying
crabapple tree, black, tentacled
by hundreds of water sprouts.
Two branches form a cross
framed in the window. Behind,
the darkening sky, a gauze
of clouds glows with the day's
remaining light surrounded
by a mass of black clouds
encroaching slowly, silently.
As I sit, benumbed by the news
of the war, I envision a black
& white close-up, focusing on an
unidentifiable something the way
a Bergman film opens. Beautiful.
Apocalyptic. Unwinding minds.

BobBradshaw
Posts: 2683
Joined: 03 Jun 2016, 21:03

Re: Bergman

#2 Post by BobBradshaw » 19 Apr 2022, 08:14

I like the atmosphere invoked through the details. I don’t like the last 3 lines as much, branching into abstraction. I am not sure what is meant by unwinding minds.

These lines are beautiful:

I am transfixed by the view
through the small, west window.
Bare branches of a dying
crabapple tree, black, tentacled
by hundreds of water sprouts.

capricorn
Posts: 382
Joined: 21 Sep 2017, 23:23

Re: Bergman

#3 Post by capricorn » 21 Apr 2022, 01:35

I think I get 'unwinding minds' but agree it is abstract.

There's much to like here, Billy and you create tremendous atmosphere

Bare branches of a dying
crabapple tree, black, tentacled
by hundreds of water sprouts.

and
a gauze of clouds glows

Eira

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Billy
Posts: 1384
Joined: 22 Jun 2006, 10:56

Re: Bergman

#4 Post by Billy » 22 Apr 2022, 05:11

I’ve revised

BobBradshaw
Posts: 2683
Joined: 03 Jun 2016, 21:03

Re: Bergman

#5 Post by BobBradshaw » 22 Apr 2022, 06:21

Better....but why not end with a stronger image you already have? The tentacled water sprouts....

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Billy
Posts: 1384
Joined: 22 Jun 2006, 10:56

Re: Bergman

#6 Post by Billy » 22 Apr 2022, 07:01

Thanks Bob, still trying.

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