V2:
Tornado
My friends’ warnings about her
eluded me,
like the crackling of tornado alerts
over radio channels.
She stormed in, my heart
like a small bird
flushed out of the bushes
into the dizzying air.
I threw everything aside
to be with her.
Job, family, commitments.
The creek sings the same tune
over and over, the wind
whistling its song
by rote. I too have only
one song--how she left in a huff,
leaving memories
of love and hot nights,
each of us taking turns
riding over each other
like rough surf.
My heart is a roof
which has flown off like a hat,
trampled and flattened.
Everywhere I look
cars have taken to the air,
many upside down
among the branches of trees
--my hopes a spent passion,
buttons off a ripped shirt.
V1:
Tornado
My friends’ warnings about her
went over my head,
like the crackling of tornado alerts
over radio channels.
She stormed in, my heart
like a small bird
flushed out of the bushes
into the dizzying air.
I threw everything aside—
job, family, commitments—
to be with her.
She is selfish, and will leave you
without remorse,
friends said. Now all day
I wonder where she is.
The creek sings the same tune
over and over, the wind
whistling its song
by rote. I too have only
one song--how she left in a huff,
leaving memories
of love and hot nights,
each of us taking turns
riding over each other
like rough surf.
My heart is a roof
which has flown off like a hat,
trampled and flattened.
Everywhere I look
cars have taken to the air,
many upside down
among the branches of trees
--my hopes a spent passion,
buttons off a ripped shirt.
Tornado
Re: Tornado
Just a few thoughts. Some great lines.BobBradshaw wrote: ↑21 May 2022, 06:55Tornado
A great read, Bob and I love the metaphors. I think it could be trimmed a bit in parts. A few thoughts -
My friends’ warnings about her
went over my head, .....................perhaps a bit cliche?
like the crackling of tornado alerts
over radio channels.
She stormed in, my heart
like a small bird
flushed out of the bushes
into the dizzying air.
I threw everything aside—
job, family, commitments—
to be with her.
Possibly-
I threw everything aside—
to be with her.
job, family, commitments—
She is selfish, and will leave you
without remorse,
Now all day
I wonder where she is.
Perhaps put speech in italics and miss out 'friends said'
The creek sings the same tune
over and over, the wind
whistling its song
by rote. I [too] have only
one song--how she left in a huff,
leaving memories
of love and hot nights,
each of us taking turns
riding over each other
like rough surf.
My heart is a roof
which has flown off like a hat,
trampled and flattened.
Everywhere I look
cars have taken to the air,
many upside down
among the branches of trees
--my hopes a spent passion,
buttons off a ripped shirt.
Eira
-
- Posts: 2688
- Joined: 03 Jun 2016, 21:03
Re: Tornado
Thanks, Eira. I will make a couple adjustments.