Li Po, Adrift

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BobBradshaw
Posts: 2683
Joined: 03 Jun 2016, 21:03

Li Po, Adrift

#1 Post by BobBradshaw » 08 Jun 2022, 22:01

V2:
Li Po, Adrift

I row alone through these canyons
where dragons sleep in purling rivers.

Hummingbirds drain the last nectar
from a muddy branch’s blossoms.

It's the end of autumn and an early snow
flies in as cranes fly off over Wu Shan.

How quickly sixty years pass!

Draining a tankard of wine, adrift,
I grow content with the world's beauty,
no longer laboring at the oars.


V1:
Li Po, Adrift

I wander alone through these canyons
where dragons sleep in purling rivers.

Hummingbirds drain the last nectar
from a muddy branch’s blossoms.

In a sudden loft of snowy powder
the cranes disappear, flying over Wu Shan.

How quickly sixty years pass!

Draining a tankard of wine, adrift in a small boat,
I grow content with the world's beauty,
no longer a man laboring at the oars.

FranktheFrank
Posts: 1983
Joined: 02 Mar 2016, 18:07
Location: Between the mountains and the sea

Re: Li Po, Adrift

#2 Post by FranktheFrank » 09 Jun 2022, 01:48

This doesn't seem your usual type of work Bob.
Would you wonder through a canyon or paddle a canoe.
Would a dragon sleep in the river.
Are there flowers with nectar when it snows.
A tankard of wine seems a lot for an old man.

Maybe - I am content.
No longer labouring at oars.

I saw a recent poem of yours, written from a woman's perspective.
Quite sensual, and very different from your usual work.
I know you were dissatisfied with the ending, but I liked it a lot.
Could you post it there, in this forum.
I would love to workshop it with you.

BobBradshaw
Posts: 2683
Joined: 03 Jun 2016, 21:03

Re: Li Po, Adrift

#3 Post by BobBradshaw » 09 Jun 2022, 04:19

Thanks, Ieuan, I love your comments/questions. Li Po is famous for his drinking. A tankard wouldn’t be a problem.
And dragons are spirits in Chinese culture living in rivers.

You’re probably right, that paddling/rowing might work better than wandering. And I can see your point questioning the drinking of nectar “in snow”. I didn’t do a good job here. It’s late fall with early snow in the air. So thanks for pointing that problem out.

And also for rightfully pointing out that the last line doesn’t need “a man”.

Thanks for encouraging a posting of another poem. I will post it soon… Appreciate your help on it.

Best, Bob

FranktheFrank
Posts: 1983
Joined: 02 Mar 2016, 18:07
Location: Between the mountains and the sea

Re: Li Po, Adrift

#4 Post by FranktheFrank » 09 Jun 2022, 10:28

Ok, I didn't research Li po, I should have before commenting.

I like the snow with the canes, you could still keep it,

Soon autumn will close
the cranes will disappear,
In a sudden loft of powdery snow
flying over Wu Shan.

SivakamiVelliangiri
Posts: 40
Joined: 23 Jan 2022, 15:37

Re: Li Po, Adrift

#5 Post by SivakamiVelliangiri » 09 Jun 2022, 11:50

I can only comment on the format. Couplets, followed by a single line and finally a three liner.
To me the poem sounded whimsical.

S

BobBradshaw
Posts: 2683
Joined: 03 Jun 2016, 21:03

Re: Li Po, Adrift

#6 Post by BobBradshaw » 09 Jun 2022, 19:17

Thanks, Ieuan. I like your lines. I may use them.

Thanks, Siva, for commenting.

BobBradshaw
Posts: 2683
Joined: 03 Jun 2016, 21:03

Re: Li Po, Adrift

#7 Post by BobBradshaw » 09 Jun 2022, 20:23

V2 is in place. Please let me know your thoughts.

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