Give Me a Man

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BobBradshaw
Posts: 2199
Joined: 03 Jun 2016, 21:03

Give Me a Man

#1 Post by BobBradshaw » 13 Jun 2022, 05:08

v4:
" Sometimes, a cigar is just a cigar.”
-—Sigmund Freud

Give Me a Man

who doesn't gag on his cigar
whenever a cheeky girl like me
brings up Freud. After all,

I've seen cigars with ribbons
tied on them as gifts, bought by wives
for their precious husbands

in airport stores, the ribbons
reminiscent of the pink ones
Casanova would tie

around his bulky condom,
his mistress of the evening
untying it daintily afterwards.

But my man? Karl insists
on “skinny dipping”
instead of dressing

his little fellow up.
He’s the kind of man who
—after a night of drinking—

joins in the running of the bulls
in honor of Saint Fermin
or some such nonsense

to prove his huevos
are larger than his rivals'.
Hell, living with him

reminds me of the dozens
of years I’ve invested
in writing, polishing

my manuscripts
as if they were lamps
with promises of genies inside.

What promise does Karl hold?
The years spent with him
have brought nothing

a pile of rejection letters
wouldn’t have brought me….

I have no stomach left
for the stench—
of the man or his cigars.

Tomorrow I’m leaving him.
It will take time for the air,
like my rancor, to clear—

to learn how to breathe
properly again.



v3:
" Sometimes, a cigar is just a cigar.”
-—Sigmund Freud

Give Me a Man

who doesn't gag on his cigar
whenever a cheeky girl like me
brings up Freud. After all,

I've seen cigars with ribbons
tied on them as gifts, bought by wives
for their precious husbands

in airport stores, the ribbons
reminiscent of the pink ones
Casanova would tie

around his bulky condom,
his mistress of the evening
untying it daintily afterwards.

But my man? Karl insists
on “skinny dipping”
instead of dressing

his little fellow up.
He’s the kind of man who
—after a night of drinking—

joins in the running of the bulls
in honor of Saint Fermin
or some such nonsense.

Am I a fool to regret
what others resign
themselves to?

I swab myself with tissue.
Karl surfs the net.



v2:
" Sometimes, a cigar is just a cigar.”
-—Sigmund Freud

Give Me a Man

who doesn't gag on his cigar
whenever a cheeky girl like me
brings up Freud. After all,

I've seen cigars with ribbons
tied on them as gifts, bought by wives
for their precious husbands

in airport stores, the ribbons
reminiscent of the pink ones
Casanova would tie

around his bulky condom,
his mistress of the evening
untying it daintily afterwards.

But my man? Karl insists
on “skinny dipping”
instead of dressing

his little fellow up.
He’s the kind of man who
—after a night of drinking—

joins in the running of the bulls
in honor of Saint Fermin
or some such nonsense

to prove his huevos
are larger than his rivals'.
His ego can't suffer shrinkage.

Yet I’ve stayed, not giving up
on this relationship.
Why? Maybe it’s cause

I’m like any goddamn poet,
dozens of years invested
in writing, polishing

my manuscripts
as if they were lamps
with genies waiting to be freed

—and still rejection letters
are piling up on my desk.
I don’t give up--on poems

or men--though my chances for love
may always be as slim
as poetry chapbooks.

Am I a fool to regret
what others resign
themselves to?

I swab myself with tissue.
Karl surfs the net.





v1:
" Sometimes, a cigar is just a cigar.”

—Sigmund Freud


Give Me a Man

who doesn't gag on his cigar
whenever a cheeky girl like me
brings up Freud. After all,

I 've seen cigars with ribbons
tied on them as gifts, bought by wives
for their precious husbands

in airport stores, the ribbons
reminding me of the pink ribbon
that Casanova would tie

around his bulky condom,
his mistress of the evening
untying it daintily afterwards.

But my man? He insists
on “skinny dipping”
instead of dressing

his little fellow up.
He’s the kind of man who
—after a night of drinking—

joins in the running of the bulls
in honor of Saint Fermin
or some such nonsense

to prove his huevos
are bigger than his rivals'.

I have no stomach for the stench--
of the man or his cigars,
and him lying there afterwards

admiring his wobbly halos of smoke,
his horse having made it
to the finish line.

Tomorrow I'm leaving him.
It will take time for the air,
like my rancor, to clear,

for my lungs to fill like sails,
for my life to move forward.
Take a breath, I tell myself.
Learn how to breathe again.

FranktheFrank
Posts: 1693
Joined: 02 Mar 2016, 18:07
Location: Between the mountains and the sea

Re: Give Me a Man

#2 Post by FranktheFrank » 13 Jun 2022, 10:08

Yes, daring, raucous and to the point
if you get my drift.
Really liked, so fresh and new for you.
Almost like a cross dresser's window
you might say.

Worthy of a nod, a nom by any other name.
It has my vote Bob, my nomination for this month.
I's early but there may be others in the running.

BobBradshaw
Posts: 2199
Joined: 03 Jun 2016, 21:03

Re: Give Me a Man

#3 Post by BobBradshaw » 14 Jun 2022, 23:16

Thanks, Ieuan, for your enthusiasm. I am not sure how well the close works. Is it wordy? Should I take out a line? I haven’t decided.

FranktheFrank
Posts: 1693
Joined: 02 Mar 2016, 18:07
Location: Between the mountains and the sea

Re: Give Me a Man

#4 Post by FranktheFrank » 15 Jun 2022, 00:46

Week, first of all I thought it funny.
Entertaining too and from a woman's perspective.
I didn't want to mess with it, but now that you ask
I think the last two stanza are extraneous.

I think you have explained why her distaste is so strong
he won't dress up his little man. We don't need to know
she's leaving, the poem is about her distaste.
Your use of metaphors metaphor's are full of vigour.

S2 I 've seen cigars with ribbons- remove space after 'I'.

S3 in airport stores, the ribbons
reminding me of the pink ribbon
that Casanova would tie
Maybe: in airport stores, ribbons
reminiscent of the pink ones
Casanova would tie

If you really need to use a closing stanza
after S10 then maybe something with
another metaphor. S11 seems a little flat.
But I cannot help you with it. I'm not
good with metaphors. Maybe something
along the lines that he will have to manage
on his own from now on without a helping hand.
or something equally as crude.

L8 has just two lines, it does stick out a bit.

Hope my comments help. But I wouldn't mess too
much with it. It is very good.

BobBradshaw
Posts: 2199
Joined: 03 Jun 2016, 21:03

Re: Give Me a Man

#5 Post by BobBradshaw » 15 Jun 2022, 01:34

Thanks, Ieuan, for your concrete suggestions. I will have to think about everything.

BobBradshaw
Posts: 2199
Joined: 03 Jun 2016, 21:03

Re: Give Me a Man

#6 Post by BobBradshaw » 15 Jun 2022, 05:09

Let me know if V2 works, and how it can be improved. Thx again, Ieuan, for your suggestions. Bob

BobBradshaw
Posts: 2199
Joined: 03 Jun 2016, 21:03

Re: Give Me a Man

#7 Post by BobBradshaw » 16 Jun 2022, 04:59

Let me know if either V2 or V3 works...thx

FranktheFrank
Posts: 1693
Joined: 02 Mar 2016, 18:07
Location: Between the mountains and the sea

Re: Give Me a Man

#8 Post by FranktheFrank » 17 Jun 2022, 00:12

V1 gets my vote.

BobBradshaw
Posts: 2199
Joined: 03 Jun 2016, 21:03

Re: Give Me a Man

#9 Post by BobBradshaw » 17 Jun 2022, 21:17

Thanks, Ieuan. Do you mind looking at V4? I think V4 is the best version....

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