Too Close to the Heart

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Billy
Posts: 1384
Joined: 22 Jun 2006, 10:56

Too Close to the Heart

#1 Post by Billy » 22 Dec 2022, 21:27

Too Close to the Heart

When I was young,
I wanted words to be bombs.
They were duds sinking
in murk like lead weights.

I wanted words to fly
They only jumped
from ledges in my mind
in suicidal downpours.

I wanted words to dance.
They were wallflowers
tripping over one another
missing every beat.

I wanted words to sing
of love. They lodged
in my throat
exploded inside me

fragments beneath
the skin like bullets
too close to the heart
to risk removal.

BobBradshaw
Posts: 2683
Joined: 03 Jun 2016, 21:03

Re: Too Close to the Heart

#2 Post by BobBradshaw » 28 Dec 2022, 04:39

Some interesting imagery. Somehow for such dark images I don't feel the despair as much as I would expect. The uniqueness of images like those found in the first and last stanzas makes me want to rate this highly. I wonder...would tying the images to a specific event or person produce an even more impactful poem? The last 2 stanzas suggest turning the piece into a love poem. That might produce an amazing effect. Those last 4 lines are so cool. If this poem doesn't work out as well as your high standards require, then use those lines in another poem.

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Billy
Posts: 1384
Joined: 22 Jun 2006, 10:56

Re: Too Close to the Heart

#3 Post by Billy » 28 Dec 2022, 20:35

Thanks Bob, good advice. This is a very old poem, one of the first I ever wrote. I just wanted to post it as is before I rewrite it. The poem was written probably in 1988.

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