Dif-tor heh Smusma - V2 (Reposted 2024 from an earlier version))

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FranktheFrank
Posts: 1983
Joined: 02 Mar 2016, 18:07
Location: Between the mountains and the sea

Dif-tor heh Smusma - V2 (Reposted 2024 from an earlier version))

#1 Post by FranktheFrank » 15 Jan 2023, 01:50

'Dif-tor heh smusma'-'Live long and prosper.' (First Poem posted in 2024)
Dr Spock - Star Trek - TV Series

Spock's greeting amused him
what was the alternative - to Die?
or did he mean: pluck the moment
in the horticultural usage: carpe diem

There were no poor suburban towns
or new towns in Spock's world
Towns designed by socialist city planners
to shelter industrial workers
Blue collar towns - satellite towns
Like moons that surround a planet
The only subscription to culture
a red-brick pub and a church
of pent-up Pentecostals

Towns with no work, dead towns
with a drug culture
towns where women traded
a barren, supposedly intimate,
experience for £100 a time
and spent the cash on drugs to take
away the pain to hide their shame

Those that seized the day or moment
passed their exams, went on to university
These weren't losers, these were upwardly
mobile people who moved away leaving
the dross behind. Only they were not dross
not at all
they just needed a chance
to seize the day

He noted that not all who got top jobs flourished
for some there was an internal impediment
to remaining in the upper echelon
The old vices dragged them down
prostitution - the use of
adultery - especially if caught with the boss's wife
Thievery - cooking the books for accountants
Alcoholism or drug-use to take away the stress
of success the list goes on

These were the ones who did not prosper
and if fortunate returned to their old homes
There were other factors that could drag
a man down so he did not prosper
even with good attitude, aptitude, a noble work
ethic and discipline - even with these personal habits
a nagging wife could be a problem or a propensity
to gamble or just plain physical laziness
brought him/her down

Spock's childhood had been Spartan
engage - embrace the game
or get a beating. He'd learned his lessons
well, he'd climbed the ladder but the dangers
were still there. Those that failed to prosper
remained on Vulcan, lived in caves on an unstable
planet of earthquakes and volcanic eruptions





*****

Michael (MV)
Posts: 2154
Joined: 18 Apr 2005, 04:57

Re: Dif-tor heh Smusma

#2 Post by Michael (MV) » 16 Jan 2023, 12:37

Hi Frank,

This reads like the 2nd draft of your other poem posted, Faith.

Yet, neither is anywhere near your writing of poetry.

Moreover, neither are the reading & writing of poetry: I haven't read a poem, because a poem has not yet been written.

Remember: Show. Don't tell.

Where is the show? The show must go on.

"The smile on a baby's face.'
an adorable
cliché


"new eternity"

^^ Eternity never ages, never becomes old. Eternity is always
infinitely new


in the spirit of workshopping

😎

Michael (MV)

FranktheFrank wrote:
15 Jan 2023, 01:50
'dif-tor heh smusma'-'Live long and prosper.'
Dr Spock - Star Trek - TV Series

This life
This limited
finite
life
is the only life we've got.

Enjoy it
embrace every day
for its colours
the crash of the ocean
the myriad galaxies
that shine from deep darkness
The smile on a baby's face.

Enjoy growing old
in wisdom
even in the hard years
remember the good
and that before you
there was eternity
and after our spell here on earth
a new eternity.

Choose life
and live.

FranktheFrank
Posts: 1983
Joined: 02 Mar 2016, 18:07
Location: Between the mountains and the sea

Re: Dif-tor heh Smusma

#3 Post by FranktheFrank » 16 Jan 2023, 12:45

I know
Cliched as it is
I had to write it

FranktheFrank
Posts: 1983
Joined: 02 Mar 2016, 18:07
Location: Between the mountains and the sea

Re: Dif-tor heh Smusma Version Two

#4 Post by FranktheFrank » 01 Jan 2024, 17:40

After eight long years of pondering I have rewritten this poem.
The original version listed by Michael in post #2.
This reads like the 2nd draft of your other poem posted, Faith.
Yet, neither is anywhere near your writing of poetry.
Moreover, neither are the reading & writing of poetry:
I haven't read a poem, because a poem has not yet been written.
I have rewritten and hope it is more like poetry. Michael did offer a Smilie
when he posted his review.

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