Paper Fan

Poets post their works-in-progress here for crit and commentary. We want poets who are serious about getting their work published.
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IndianaDP
Posts: 181
Joined: 24 Mar 2018, 16:53

Paper Fan

#1 Post by IndianaDP » 09 Mar 2023, 17:17

Flames drip
from the tinfoil
teeth of the sun.

Sweat rolls
down my spine.

Power lines swell
with electrical juice.

Squirrels
walk the hot wire
seeking love.

I go to a bar
to get out of the heat.

Outside a vagrant
is tasered and cuffed.

Hot tar sticks
to the tires
of cars.

The woman
beside me
puts ice
on her tongue.

By sunset
she’s fanning
the back of my neck.

BobBradshaw
Posts: 2683
Joined: 03 Jun 2016, 21:03

Re: Paper Fan

#2 Post by BobBradshaw » 09 Mar 2023, 21:41

Your closings are always good. The list of bad things happening could be trimmed for better impact. That fine closing makes the poem. So I would like to get to it quicker.

Kenneth2816
Posts: 1619
Joined: 01 Jun 2008, 09:17

Re: Paper Fan

#3 Post by Kenneth2816 » 10 Mar 2023, 15:26

Good work in this Dale. Never saw it comimg.

IndianaDP
Posts: 181
Joined: 24 Mar 2018, 16:53

Re: Paper Fan

#4 Post by IndianaDP » 10 Mar 2023, 19:15

BobBradshaw wrote:
09 Mar 2023, 21:41
Your closings are always good. The list of bad things happening could be trimmed for better impact. That fine closing makes the poem. So I would like to get to it quicker.
Thanks Bob, there are a lot of random events that could be cut, I’m giving it some serious thought.

IndianaDP
Posts: 181
Joined: 24 Mar 2018, 16:53

Re: Paper Fan

#5 Post by IndianaDP » 10 Mar 2023, 19:15

Kenneth2816 wrote:
10 Mar 2023, 15:26
Good work in this Dale. Never saw it comimg.
Thanks Ken

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