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FranktheFrank
Posts: 1970
Joined: 02 Mar 2016, 18:07
Location: Between the mountains and the sea

Removed for submission

#1 Post by FranktheFrank » 02 Dec 2023, 05:01

Removed for submission
*****
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BobBradshaw
Posts: 2662
Joined: 03 Jun 2016, 21:03

Re: House on the Hill

#2 Post by BobBradshaw » 03 Dec 2023, 23:16

There is a lot of good writing, especially in your opening stanzas. However, the emotional impact is diluted considerably by the N’s meandering from place to place, and by his ruminations. The poem needs to be shortened, and to hone in on maybe Kate and their relationship. The poem works beautifully when it zeroes in on details, such as here:

miners swinging
Davey safety lamps and empty lunch boxes

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