God Lives (version 3)

[CalebMurdock]

God Lives (version 3)

[Billy]

This is the best of the poems you've posted so far. "in desires so strong they lead to crimes"

I'm just not sure about the last line; it doesn't seem to match the quality of the rest of the poem. Maybe.

[BobBradshaw]

Nicely done. Just a nit… you don’t need “for me” in the next to last line. And I’m with Billy… the last line seems off, for some reason…I can’t tell you why. Otherwise everything works well.

[CalebMurdock]

Thanks to both of you for your feedback.

I got a similar response to the poem on another forum. They didn't want the poem to end on a negative. I tried very hard to rewrite it to convey a consistent message throughout (that God is a party guy), but I didn't succeed. The thing is, I was always the "homebody", retiring type. I never enjoyed a celebration, so the poem is true to me personally -- and that seems to be the problem with it.

Once again, I'm going to look for another ending.

Thanks again. You fellows have helped me with several poems now.

[BobBradshaw]

Better. It works.

[CalebMurdock]

Thank you, Bob.

I'm not 100% happy with it, but at least I know what direction I'm headed in. Having new eyes look at it was helpful.

[Michael (MV)]

Hi Caleb,

I liked the perspective of this poem

I especially liked the courage & conviction of

"in desires so strong that they lead to crimes."

My inner ear naturally went on to hear 2 more words:

crimes of passion

^^ (and crimes of passion aren't premeditated)

And it's for that reason, I won't workshop-suggest the visible appearance of those 2 words.


"Heard melodies are sweet;
those unheard, even sweeter" -- John Keats




Michael (MV)

[RamanathanSiva]

I have a similar poem like this.

[CalebMurdock]

Thank you, Michael. I'll look into including "of passion" in the poem, although initially it doesn't appear to fit. I actually meant crime in general, not necessarily romantic crimes.

Ramanathan, I hope your poem isn't too similar to mine -- that would be a disaster. I'd love seeing it, however.

[RamanathanSiva]

It is not similar in that way. It is about seeing God in a dancer. It has already been workshopped here.