A Dream at the Beach

[CalebMurdock]

A Dream at the Beach

[Billy]

Just my edits, take or leave. The last line in the second stanza needs changed to me, but I hadn't come up with anything right now.

A Dream at the Beach

While sleeping peacefully in the guest house
I half-woke to girls laughing, tittering--teen-aged
girls, projecting all of the judgmental pettiness
I've come to expect from some of them.

This is a man’s world. Girls, once grown to teens,
have figured that out, grab whatever power,
influence, clout left to them, transforming
themselves into people not every person admires.

There sounded to be four or five of them,
and they were nearby, almost in my head.
Their ethereal laughter was more like singing,
the cries of sirens pulling at my weak
body bound to the bed of my exhaustion.

Their laughing made it impossible to sleep,
so I resolved to get up and have my say.
I opened my eyes to a high-pitched whine
and was mystified to find that I was home,
not at the beach, and completely alone.

I realized my nose had been whistling as I slept,
and my brain, the good computer that it is,
had found my hidden contempt, turned
the sound to the babbling of spiteful girls,
revealing more of myself than I cared to know.

[BobBradshaw]

I like your edits, Billy

[CalebMurdock]

Thank you for your thoughts, Billy. I will set the two poems up side-by-side and compare them in WordPerfect, and I may adopt some of your suggestions. One thing that concerns me is leaving out "of a distant friend" in the first stanza, as that sets up what I say in the fourth stanza when I say that I was mystified to find myself "at home, not at the beach". In any event, I take your crit to be that you think I put in too many details.

Overall, I hope the poem works for you.

Thanks again.

=====================

I lined up the two versions side by side and discovered that you reduced the first two stanzas to four lines, which is not the format.

In the final stanza, I put the line breaks where I did so that each line had five beats. In your version, one line has six beats now. However, that may be a reasonable change in order have the line breaks line up more naturally with the phrases.

[CalebMurdock]

Actually, I'm surprised someone hasn't told me to eliminate stanza 2 altogether, as it is all background and explanation.

[Billy]

Now that you mention it I think you could eliminate S2. As to the friend, without that it is still understandable, and just extraneous material and isn't needed.

[CalebMurdock]

Thank you, Billy. I'm not going to eliminate stanza 2. It adds important background and perspective to the poem. Even in a narrative poem, I like to add some social commentary. It gives a poem depth (in my view). If I don't explain why I don't love all teen-aged girls, then I just come across as irrationally prejudiced.

But again, thanks for commenting.