A Narrow Fellow
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- Posts: 198
- Joined: 10 Dec 2023, 14:59
A Narrow Fellow
A Narrow Fellow
We ate almost daily in the same café.
You were lonely and wanted to be chums.
I was in my sixtieth Year of Caution phase,
and you were a bit more forward than I liked,
which made me hiss and coil all the tighter.
Years later I saw you on the street just as I
was slipping into my own lonesome phase.
I said hello and you quickly turned away.
Today I’m in my waning phase, holed up inside
my den, nursing frailties, unable to mend,
shucking my snake-skin one last time before
my scales disintegrate. I showed you how cold
our warming world could be, and wonder now
why it was so hard for me to be a friend.
☙
We ate almost daily in the same café.
You were lonely and wanted to be chums.
I was in my sixtieth Year of Caution phase,
and you were a bit more forward than I liked,
which made me hiss and coil all the tighter.
Years later I saw you on the street just as I
was slipping into my own lonesome phase.
I said hello and you quickly turned away.
Today I’m in my waning phase, holed up inside
my den, nursing frailties, unable to mend,
shucking my snake-skin one last time before
my scales disintegrate. I showed you how cold
our warming world could be, and wonder now
why it was so hard for me to be a friend.
☙
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- Posts: 2157
- Joined: 18 Apr 2005, 04:57
Re: A Narrow Fellow
Hi Caleb,
This one reads to me like an unrhymed Italian sonnet. The remote rhyming of "mend" and "friend"
strategically frames the octave, and brings about the finale of this sonnet-poem.
Is the title a reference to Emily Dickinson's snake poem?
Michael (MV)
This one reads to me like an unrhymed Italian sonnet. The remote rhyming of "mend" and "friend"
strategically frames the octave, and brings about the finale of this sonnet-poem.
Is the title a reference to Emily Dickinson's snake poem?
Michael (MV)
CalebMurdock wrote: ↑07 Mar 2024, 23:39A Narrow Fellow
We ate almost daily in the same café.
You were lonely and wanted to be chums.
I was in my sixtieth Year of Caution phase,
and you were a bit more forward than I liked,
which made me hiss and coil all the tighter.
Years later I saw you on the street just as I
was slipping into my own lonesome phase.
I said hello and you quickly turned away.
Today I’m in my waning phase, holed up inside
my den, nursing frailties, unable to mend,
shucking my snake-skin one last time before
my scales disintegrate. I showed you how cold
our warming world could be, and wonder now
why it was so hard for me to be a friend.
☙
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- Posts: 198
- Joined: 10 Dec 2023, 14:59
Re: A Narrow Fellow
Thank you again, Michael, for responding.
Yes, the title is referencing the Dickinson poem.
It took me more than a year to come up with that mend/friend rhyme. For more than a year, "unable to mend" wasn't in there, and I was ending the poem with a word that just didn't sound right. The sonics were all wrong. Fixing this poem was a huge victory for me.
I moved to my mother's town when she was beginning to fade, and I needed friends, and this fellow in the local eatery was very friendly towards me, but he was TOO friendly -- too forward, too personal -- and I kept withdrawing from him out of suspicion. I proceeded to be mostly friendless during my time here, and I regretted my choices.
Yes, the title is referencing the Dickinson poem.
It took me more than a year to come up with that mend/friend rhyme. For more than a year, "unable to mend" wasn't in there, and I was ending the poem with a word that just didn't sound right. The sonics were all wrong. Fixing this poem was a huge victory for me.
I moved to my mother's town when she was beginning to fade, and I needed friends, and this fellow in the local eatery was very friendly towards me, but he was TOO friendly -- too forward, too personal -- and I kept withdrawing from him out of suspicion. I proceeded to be mostly friendless during my time here, and I regretted my choices.
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- Posts: 198
- Joined: 10 Dec 2023, 14:59
Re: A Narrow Fellow
Thank you, Bob. This isn't a poem that would wow people at a poetry reading, but I think it reads well (when reading to one's self).
Can things go back to normal now? When you post a good one, I'd like to be able to tell you. I'll be more careful in the future about the remarks I make. (Actually, I thought I was being careful, but I guess I wasn't.)
Can things go back to normal now? When you post a good one, I'd like to be able to tell you. I'll be more careful in the future about the remarks I make. (Actually, I thought I was being careful, but I guess I wasn't.)
Re: A Narrow Fellow
I agree with Michael.
This is a clever and discerning poem. One of the best you’ve posted.
This is a clever and discerning poem. One of the best you’ve posted.
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- Posts: 198
- Joined: 10 Dec 2023, 14:59
Re: A Narrow Fellow
Thanks, Billy, that's very nice of you.
It isn't more than a couple years old, but I never submitted it anywhere because I didn't think it had much appeal. It isn't the kind of poem that would go over well at a reading (woops, it looks like I already said that to Bob). The snake theme would be hard to pick up from just hearing it.
I hope that Bob will start to post again. I won't critique his poems unless he gives me permission.
It isn't more than a couple years old, but I never submitted it anywhere because I didn't think it had much appeal. It isn't the kind of poem that would go over well at a reading (woops, it looks like I already said that to Bob). The snake theme would be hard to pick up from just hearing it.
I hope that Bob will start to post again. I won't critique his poems unless he gives me permission.
Re: A Narrow Fellow
As I said, I don’t come here a lot. I have another site I go to more.
Right now, I’m not posting much anywhere. Having trouble writing for the moment.
Right now, I’m not posting much anywhere. Having trouble writing for the moment.
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- Posts: 198
- Joined: 10 Dec 2023, 14:59
Re: A Narrow Fellow
I wouldn't say I'm having trouble writing, it's just that the poems come too infrequently. Trying to force the creativity doesn't work. In my old age -- despite my health problems -- I've achieved a kind of stasis, and such a state doesn't seem to spur creativity. Yet, as I approach death, I find myself wanting to write poetry which somehow captures the ineffable, and that isn't easy. So my ambition as a poet has increased at a time when I'm not feeling a lot of inspiration.