"magian"
-
Michael (MV)
- Posts:2164
- Joined:18 Apr 2005, 04:57
Nativity
the gift that is never wrapped up
free from captivity
of packaging
the gift that keeps giving
to receive longevity
I am with you . . .
all ways of activity
that gift with that kind of intensity
that is forever present
ever ready to deliver
Creativity
Re: "magian"
Never stops giving, but may vary in quality.
"The gift that is never wrapped up
free from captivity
of packaging."
The lack of punctuation and syntax in this first stanza
makes the reader (this one anyway) stumble.
Maybe something like:
The gift that is never wrapped,
free from packaging's
captivity.
Just a thought. Cheers, RC
"The gift that is never wrapped up
free from captivity
of packaging."
The lack of punctuation and syntax in this first stanza
makes the reader (this one anyway) stumble.
Maybe something like:
The gift that is never wrapped,
free from packaging's
captivity.
Just a thought. Cheers, RC
Re: "magian"
Your skills are evident, but you're abusing poetic form to avoid punctuation. That's OK provided you CAN punctuate, IF you want to. But I'm new here and I don't know how skilled you are, so I have to assume that you can learn something: If you do have anything left to learn, then basic grammar is never a bad place to start.