Proximity (First poem posted here; new tot he site)

[ChanHurst]

Before we part, be close to me-
As close as sand is to the sea,
As close as leaves are to the trees:
As close as close as we can be

I want you near, like Dawn's first light-
As near as Stars are to the Night,
Near as birds ere taken flight:
Near to me as eyes to sight

[Michael (MV)]

Welcome ChanHurst!


I like this first post of your: lyrical / anaphoral


re "As close as close as we can be"

^^ I'm hearing: As close to close as we can be


If a 3rd stanza perhaps the anaphora "next to";

or compose in a converse such as "not far from" or "never far away"


But then, I'm not immediately certain a 3rd stanza needs to exist.


"Proximity" - I like that title, esp the sensual sonics, although I wonder if maybe more visceral with an image.


ChanHurst, after reading your poem, I believe you might find similar & of interest my recent:

viewtopic.php?f=2&t=5713



close close very close
but never closed

I am with you always



Michael (MV)

 
 
 
 
 
 

[ednamode]

I love this poem. I find it moves me, once again thanks for posting

[FrankDyer]

Well done, a nice little ditty , but more than that some lines have to be read again. The flow is good the thoughts expressed well, something most people can relate to. I would suggest stronger wording and deeper input. Do not be afraid to put down what you really mean, Is there a women in this, a girl, first flush of desire, lust what did you feel... express it in depth.

[Michael (MV)]

ChanHurst,

I would like to recommend your poem, "Proximity," to represent this upcoming IBPC.


viewtopic.php?f=3&t=5739




Michael (MV)