Mother's Day

[Billy]

Mother's Day

At the grave I take pictures
at an angle so my shadow's
not in the photo. My wife

cuts the stems while I clean
the headstone. It occurs to me
there must be a spiritual benefit

from cleaning the deceased's
grave site. Listen, Winnie, I'll put
more enthusiasm into my work.

I loved you more than any man
should love his mother-in-law.

I doubt anyone will visit my grave,
let alone clean and buy it flowers.

You reap what you sow, so I'm
hoping this weeding and washing
and talking to you will make up

for sins, of which you have intimate
knowledge. Then maybe I'll see you
where there are no shadows.

[Michael (MV)]

Hi Billy,

Like the way the shadow & no shadow bookends the poem: shadowboxed


These lines

"I loved you more than any man
should love his mother-in-law."

and

"my sins, of which you have intimate
knowledge. "


^^ am I correct, are these speaking of intimacy  


" . . Then maybe I'll see you
where there are no more shadows."

^^ I esp like the close, for it speaks of the hopeful destination & arrival for us all.

^^ and then I hear Sir Elton John's lyric:

"And all I ever needed was the one
Like freedom fields where wild horses run
When stars collide like you and i
No shadows block the sun
Youre all Ive ever needed
Baby you're the one"


Billy, the Block needs another poem to represent in this IBPC.

Maybe this one, or one of your recent posted: another story or A Chill To Long For


Please reply asap:

viewtopic.php?f=3&t=5709

^^ if accepting, please provide all the needed info, as usual  


Thanks, Billy



Michael (MV)

Mother's Day, 2013

At the grave I take pictures
at an angle so my shadow's
not in the photo. My wife

cuts the stems while I clean
the headstone. It occurs to me
there must be a spiritual benefit

from cleaning the deceased's
grave site. Listen, Winnie, I'll put
more enthusiasm into my work.

I loved you more than any man
should love his mother-in-law.

I doubt anyone will visit my grave,
let alone clean and buy it flowers.

You reap what you sow, so I'm
hoping this weeding and washing
and talking to you will make up for

my sins, of which you have intimate
knowledge. Then maybe I'll see you
where there are no more shadows.

 
 
 

[Woetrame]

Poetically there are a few things that could be improved here, but the story develops extremely well.
I wonder if I distil too much as you disseminate, and that a balance might be better struck somewhere in between?

[Billy]

Thanks, Michael, I'm not sure I want to change this much yet. I'll take under consideration your suggestion. I do think I need a better title.

[Billy]

woe, appreciate your reading my poem. do you have any suggestions how i could fix it poetically?

[Woetrame]

Fix it? No!

I could re-write it in perfect English but I could not retain your excellent story development. I'm not that good.

Can I help you improve as a poet long-term? I hope so; not because I told you how to do it ~ Perhaps because I told you it was possible?

You've already got one side down, and that's story development. What you're not doing is adhering to poetic norms such as meter and grammar. Better! Mastering those and making them add meaning to your words. You're damn good with freeform, but it's obvious that breaking with the stricture of such traditions as meter and grammar enables you to express the story so well. In other words, it's a compromise.

You don't have to post the results here, but try to tell the same story in a sonnet, or in Haiku. Doing so won't make this poem better, but it absolutely will make you better at writing poetry.

Count the syllables in each line and maintain control over them. Understand short and long words. Be proud of how you manipulate sounds. When in doubt, remove all of your line breaks from a finished poem and read then it aloud - Would you put those line breaks back in the same place? If so, ask yourself why. A perfect poem doesn't need a single line break, but it can still be improved by them if used correctly.

Does this help? I hope so!

[Billy]

Woe, thanks for responding. I'm more of the mind of Williams and Ginsberg. I like the natural voice of the common man. I've written many haiku, hundreds, if not a few thousand. I put more emphasis on image, than meter and rhyme.

[Woetrame]

I've not read Williams or Ginsberg, in fact I read very little poetry at all; Most of the advice I give is learned from forums like this one.

If you like Haiku, have you heard of Dolphin Trinary?


Above & Below

Fire is indiscriminate,
dolphins excepted,
laughingly.

Sound-shadows of basking sharks
dance excitedly,
unremarked.

[Billy]

Here are a few of my three line and one line haiku:

crows
burst into flight--
last breath


driftwood this world is not my home


rip tide--
letting it take me
to another shore


work ends...
sky stretches before me
all the way home


winter morning--
abacus of sparrows
on power lines


first snow--
a few white hairs
in my beard


waning moon...
she sits in the corner
waiting to be asked


autumn the bee's buzz an octave lower


cloudy day...
under my breath
a song