Down to Earth

[SivaRamanathan]

Grandfather guarded his money,
paying his own sons to work
taught them to be thrifty.

He chose to eat the over ripe banana,
and the sour curd
never opted for the good one.

In the very first paragraph
he cut off his two daughters
and my Stanford- trained father
from his will.

He sat my baby son in the centre
of the table and pulled away
all those chairs
whenever he threw a tantrum.

''I will need some ghee'',
he told my aunt.,
'' start collecting from now on.''

She made home made ghee
put it in a small Horlicks bottle
every day.

When he died
they said, they did not have to buy ghee
for his last rites.

He could calculate
the day of his last
breath.

[Billy]

I like this, made some changes:

Grandfather guarded his money,
paying his sons to work,
taught them to be thrifty.

He chose to eat
the overripe banana
and the sour curd,
never opted for the good one.

In the very first paragraph
he cut off his two daughters
and my Stanford-trained father
from his will.

He sat my baby son in the centre
of the table and pulled away
all the chairs
whenever he threw a tantrum.

''I will need some ghee'',
he told my aunt.,
''start collecting from now on.''

She made homemade ghee
put it in a small Horlicks bottle
every day.

He could calculate the day
of his last breath.

When he died
they did not have to buy ghee
for his last rites.

[SivaRamanathan]

Billy,

I like the way you edit. Thanks.

Siva

[shriiram]

Nice one, ma'am. Billy's rendering is even better. My only suggestion is that you could consider starting the poem with 'my'. Otherwise the reader is rushed to the incident.

[FrankThird]

I like all your poems, I don't know why you do so many edits, the first drafts are almost always just there.

Suggest a positive for the last line though,
We applied his gee when he died, for his funeral.
Positive not negative, 'we did not have to...'

[Michael (MV)]

Hi Siva,


yes, I like Billy's workshop version, too; esp the repositioning of the last 2 stanzas.




Michael (MV)

 
 
 
 

[FrankThird]

I don

[SivaRamanathan]

Thanks Billy for your edit. Thank you Frank,but your version does not read like my version---no offence meant,but I would never own up to writing something like that.

Siva

[FrankThird]

Thank you Siva for your comments.

I do not expect anyone to like my editing suggestions, they are meant to be constructive and helpful in the common aim of sharing poetry. I don't expect to explain my review of a fellow poet's work unless they are offensive in any way., If my comments appear to be offensive I will of course rescind them and apologise immediately.

I do expect poets to acknowledge receipt of my review, that is only good manners.

I don't mind honest critique of my work, I don't expect my work to be liked all the time by everyone, that would be foolish.

If anyone does not want me to review their work I will immediately remove them from any further reviewing.



Thank you

[SivaRamanathan]

Dear Frank
I have done this many times,in my younger years---rewriting the poem for someone.I would not do that now.I personally think that poetry need not be explained.I write 'Anecdotal Poetry',and for that sometimes I will have to use the colloquial.Thanks for reading and showing an interest.No offence meant.Styles vary.That is all.
Thank you

Siva

[FrankThird]

Work-shopping

[SivaRamanathan]

Frank
I would be happy if you make it shorter by your workshopping.You seem to become loquacious.And you also give explanations.Our readers are intelligent,sensitive poets.

Good night

Siva