My Lips Are Soft Pillows of Longing

[Swedishgirl]

Hi there Poets, my name is Patricia Anne Clark and this is my first post here. Thanks for your critiques.

Title: Nothing but soft pillows of longing.

Consume me
Absorb me
Take me as yours
You own me now no less than the master the slave
Your lips and mine softly touching
The image of your mouth on mine is etched
forever in my happy memories
I revisit the image of of your mouth
And the way I took your lips in mine
And yet it is not enough
My passion for you makes my body ache with longing
Come to me again soon, my love
For my heart withers without the touch
Of your sexy mouth on mine
My lips cry out to be whole once again-
for without yours they are incomplete
Nothing but soft pillows of longing.

[mojave9999]

maybe a little too much labeling, not enough showing with sensuous imagery.


Your lips and mine softly touching

maybe....

in a night full of rain
your lips and mine touching.

your breath in my breath,
your mouth over my mouth...
your hands find me yielding...




i like this direction, now just a bit more mature sensuality.


bernie

[FrankThird]

I kn

[Michael (MV)]

 
Hi, Swedishgirl, & Welcome  


much in accord w/ mojave9999/bernie's assessment; and, of course, Frank's comment re originality & specificity.


My workshop suggestions hopefully moving the draft it in that direction:

I find your image of lips as soft pillows longing interesting & potent

botox can't fulfill the longing - can't bring to life


"Your lips and mine softly touching"

workshop consider as:

Your lips and mine softly mating



"My lips cry out to be whole once again-
for without yours they are incomplete
Nothing but soft pillows of longing."

workshop consider as:

My lips yearn for fulfilment,
without yours they are incomplete
nothings but soft pillows of longing.


sharing 3 associations while I read:


1/ I'm reminded of Emily Dickinson's wild nights:

Wild Nights--Wild Nights!
Were I with thee
Wild Nights should be
Our luxury!

Futile--the Winds--
To a Heart in port--
Done with the Compass--
Done with the Chart!
Rowing in Eden

Ah, the Sea!
Might I but moor--Tonight--
In Thee!



2/ and from Stevie Nicks' "Everyday":

"There are no doubts I feel the strain
Of all my senses yearning
Over and over again"

Here's the complete MV & lyric: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IG2r3MMzm2Q

(note the swans
that mate
for Life)

Don't keep me hangin' on a string
Tell me what I feel is no big thing
Don't turn away I'm listening
Over and over again

Don't give me visions to explain
There are no doubts I feel the strain
Of all my senses yearning
Over and over again

[Chorus]
Every day I see you
Every day I need you
Every way I breathe you
On and on and on and on again

It's not important to wonder why
What is just is no more to imply
This simple thought repeating
Over and over again

[Chorus]

Imagine all the ways to cope
I close my eyes, that gives me hope
It cures the silence

^^ the lyrics, to me, are psalm-like


3/ And now, on a spiritual level, I'm recalling/seeing Bernini's Ecstasy of St. Theresa





Michael (MV)


 

 
 

 

 



 

[FrankThird]

My