An Island Waiting for The Wings Of Garuda To Be Engineered

[SivaRamanathan]

Bali is my Kerala on both sides of the bus
huge trees, clinging vines,statues of Gods
waiting in the front yard silently asking us
to consider the abundance of artists.

Each house had three or four
perpendicular temple pillars
each village had three spacious temples
at the head, belly, and foot
Brahma ,Wisnu, Siwa and a community hall
where people of all ages gathered.

You see a procession of Gods
taking rides on human shoulders
gold tinted weightless flower pots
young virgins, beautiful buxom women
thin clean chested men, cute little boys
who lead unquestioningly, they seem to say
without uttering that there are spirits everywhere.

Square palm, leaf plate, rice, flowers, fruit,
salt, chilli powder; they leave it everywhere
to appease the spirits whom they invite
warding off the evil ones, on the doorstep,
in the kitchen, in their bedroom.
At night they send them back
Gods are too expensive to maintain
there sure are too many spirits.

One story is that the earth is spherical
like the turtle. Another theory is that
the turtle is the image of the earth;
the turtle carries the earth on its back.
Wisnu sports a moustache, his metallic bust
bows in the amphitheatre; the shoulders
of Garuda are getting ready.

In the same island a mountain sleeps
I did not know that the volcano
is also a mountain with a crater emitting heat.
Last year the volcano was active
now we can boil an egg in the ash
the heat in it is just enough. Last week
an English lady fell into its belly; I can see
rice plateaus and terraced crops, and
there are these beaches and tourists.













Seeing my Keralam on both sides of the bus
huge trees
clinging vines
statues of Gods waiting in the front yard
silently asking us to consider the abundance of artists.

Each house has three or four erect temple stands
each village has three spacious temples
at the head, belly ,foot
Brahma ,Wisnu ,Siwa and
a community hall where people of all ages gather.

You will see a procession
Gods taking rides on human shoulders
gold tinted weightless flower pots
young virgins
beautiful buxom women
thin clean chested men
cute little boys who lead unquestioningly
they are saying without uttering there are spirits everywhere.

Square palm leaf plate
rice, flowers, fruit, salt, chilli powder
they leave it everywhere
to appease the spirits whom they invite
warding off the evil ones
on the doorstep, in the kitchen, in their bedroom.
At night they send them back
Gods are too expensive to maintain
there sure are too many spirits.

One story is that the earth is spherical
like the turtle.
One theory is that the turtle is the image of the earth
the turtle carries the earth on its back.
Wisnu sports a moustache
his metallic bust bows in the amphitheatre
the shoulders of Garuda are getting ready.

In the same island a mountain sleeps
I did not know that the volcano is also a mountain
With a crater and emitting heat
Last year the volcano was active
And now we can boil an egg in the ash
The heat in it is just enough. Last week
an English lady fell into its belly e rice plateaus
And terraced crops
And there are these beaches and tourists.

[Bernie01]

love the title....longer than some poems.enjoyed this exercise in cultural education. however, the close makes sense only when you understand the speaker is looking from a bus window into a lush seacoast.


an English lady fell into its belly e rice plateaus
And terraced crops
And there are these beaches and tourists.



from the internet:

Kerala
Indian state
Kerala, a state on India's tropical Malabar Coast, has nearly 600km of Arabian Sea shoreline. It's known for its palm-lined beaches and backwaters, a network of canals. Inland are the Western Ghats, mountains whose slopes support tea, coffee and spice plantations as well as wildlife. National parks like Eravikulam and Periyar, plus Wayanad and other sanctuaries, are home to elephants, langur monkeys and tigers.

bernie

[meenas17]

An elaborate description of the island portraying the fun, and festivity.
Very well done!

[SivaRamanathan]

Meena
This is but a journal entry only.I remembered posting this somewhere after our Bali trip.Seeing your poem and the way you had treated the 'tourist' information,made me google this up. This morning I feel sorry for my hasty posting-- I will have to tonsure it for Frank's expectations.
Siva

[SivaRamanathan]

B
Thanks for reading.Though it is a travel poem only.I could make the story of the English lady come alive,but who wants to relive sorrow?

S

[FranktheFrank]

Its not a bad poem Siva,
in fact its very good,
easy to read, interesting.

I don't feel like hacking at it at all,
it might need a tweak as Bernie suggested
but I leave that to you.

I will only savage your work in future
if asked.

[SivaRamanathan]

Frank

Only because I do not want you to waste your time. I will work on it first and then I will ask you. Your commitment--I take off my hat!


Siva

[meenas17]

My poem "Glorious No More", has triggered a significant response from you.
I see this not for the first time, Siva.
Happy to note that my poems give food for your thoughts.
Keep going.

Best,
Meena.

[SivaRamanathan]

Frank
Will you please read and edit the poem, 'An Island Waiting for The Wings Of Garuda To Be Engineered', now?
Thank you.

S

[FranktheFrank]

You won 3rd place for October Siva, see my message in Palaver.

Bali is my Kerala on both sides of the bus
huge trees, clinging vines,statues of Gods
waiting in the front yard silently asking us
to consider the abundance of artists.

When I see Bali I see my Kerala,
same huge trees either side of my tour bus
with statues of our gods covered
in climbing (clinging - or smothering) vines.
[new sentence, new thought, new scene.]
Waiting for us in the front yard
silently asking us to consider
the abundence of artists.

Yu can shorten my attempt if you like,
on other boards it is forbidden for me
to rewrite other poet's work, but in your
case you might like a different perspective.

Can you see the mistake here:

vines,statues of Gods

I have to go now, dinner, be back later.

[SivaRamanathan]

Thank you Frank. I will be able to concentrate only in the morning.

S

[FranktheFrank]

This poem could easily make the nom. for this December's IBPC
but it needs work.

[SOriz211]

Hello Siva. I have my doubts about this line. To me turtles are not spherical by any stretch of the imagination. Their eggs are spherical but not the turtles.

One story is that the earth is spherical
like the turtle.

SOrtiz

[FranktheFrank]

There is in fact a spherical turtle:

http://www.reeflex.net/tiere/5963_Borne ... aerica.htm

[SOriz211]

Yes, I stand corrected, but I wonder if it's not better to use the turtle's name: Bornetella

just a thought you can easily lose.

SOrtiz

[SivaRamanathan]

Frank and SOriz

Thank you.Saw this just now.Will work on it in the morning.

Siva

[SivaRamanathan]

Processions of gods
riding human shoulders
gold tinted flower pots
- weightless, virgins,
beautiful women
ripe with milk,
cute boys that lead
nodding to unseen spirits.

Square palm-leaf plate, rice,
flowers, fruit, salt, chilli powder;
left to appease the spirits
whom they invite to ward off the evil ones
in the kitchen, in their bedroom;
at night they send them back
to where they came from
Gods are too expensive to maintain
there sure are too many spirits.

One story is that the spherical earth
is like the turtle; another theory is that
the turtle is the image of the earth; also that
the turtle carries the earth on its back.
Wisnu sports a moustache, his metallic bust
bows in the amphitheatre; the shoulders
of Garuda are getting done.

In the same island a mountain sleeps;
volcanoes are mountains with a crater
emitting heat;last year the volcano was active,
so now we can boil an egg in the ash of
the heat in it is just enough. Last week
an English lady fell into its belly

I can see from the bus, rice plateaus
terraced crops,beaches and tourists,
huge trees, clinging vines, Bali with its
statues of Gods waiting in the front yard
the abundance of artists; each house
with its three or four perpendicular
temple pillars, each village with three
spacious temples at the head, belly, and foot.
Brahma ,Wisnu, Siwa and a community hall
where people of all ages gathered to socialize.

[FranktheFrank]

Much more compact Siva

[SivaRamanathan]

Thank you Frank.Will work on this tonight.Have a Poetry Circle meet at the British Council,this evening.

S

[SivaRamanathan]

Bali is my Kerala on both sides of the bus
huge trees, clinging vines, statues of Gods
waiting in the front yard silently asking us
to consider the abundance of artists.

Each house has three or four perpendicular towers
each village has three spacious temples of
Brahma ,Wisnu ,Siwa at the head, belly and foot;
a community hall where people of all ages gather
to socialize and worship.

Processions of gods riding human shoulders
gold tinted flower pots- weightless, virgins,
beautiful women ripe with milk,
cute boys that lead, nodding to unseen spirits.

Square palm-leaf plate, rice,
flowers, fruit, salt, chilli powder;
left to appease the spirits
whom they invite to ward off the evil ones
in the kitchen, in their bedroom;
at night they send them back
to where they came from;
their Gods too expensive to maintain
there sure are too many spirits.

Some say that the spherical earth
is like the turtle; others say
the turtle is the image of the earth; also that
the turtle carries the earth on its back.

Wisnu sports a moustache, his metallic bust
bows in the amphitheatre; the shoulders
of Garuda are being built.
In the same island a mountain sleeps;
mountains with a crater emit heat.

Last year : the volcano was active,
so now we can boil an egg in the ash;
the heat in it is just enough.

Last week an English lady fell into its belly.

(Edited as workshopped by Frank.)

[FranktheFrank]

Bali is my Kerala[comma] this is a statement,
Bali is your Kerla, now comes a subordinate clause associated
with the first statement or could be a separate sentence
as it is loosly conected.

Brahma ,Wisnu ,Siwa at the head, belly and foot;
[get in the habit of no spaces before a comma or any other punctuation mark.]

Statues of Gods - a theological point, if this is about so-called gods then
no capital, if speaking truly of God then use a capital letter for God. I suspect
you don't really believe they are truly God so then no capital. if they are
facsimiles of a god, same rule no capital.

Brahma ,Wisnu ,Siwa at - strange you insist on spaces before commas.

pots- weightless, [equal space either side of dash, like this - a dash.

in the kitchen, [don't think you need this]

their Gods too expensive to maintain [comma here, a new thought.]

Processions of gods riding human shoulders [comma here, a change in thought]

of Garuda are being built. [wonder if you need to be more specific here, assembled maybe?]

In the same island a mountain sleeps;
mountains with a crater emit heat. [unduly complicated here, maybe:
In the same island a volcano slumbers,
whisps of smoke escape, emmit a dash of heat.]

emitting heat;last year [here you omit a space completely]

last year the volcano was active,
so now we can boil an egg in the ash of
the heat in it is just enough. Last week
an English lady fell into its belly
[unduly complicated for a poem
about something so ordinary. maybe: after the last eruption - the volcano still hot
enough to boil an egg in its ash]

I can see from the bus, rice plateaus
terraced crops,beaches and tourists,
huge trees, clinging vines, [full stop] Bali with its
statues of Gods waiting in the front yard[comma]
the abundance of artists; each house
with its three or four perpendicular
temple pillars, each village with three
spacious temples at the head, belly, and foot.
Brahma ,Wisnu, Siwa and a community hall
where people of all ages gathered ['gather' is correct here] to socialize.

[this last stanza is a winner, however I prefer:
From the bus we see:]

Almost there Siva, then you can crit. my pieces . . .

[SivaRamanathan]

Bali is my Kerala, from the bus we see:
huge trees, clinging vines,
statues of Gods waiting in the front yard,
silently asking us to consider
the abundance of artists;

each house has three or four perpendicular towers
each village has three spacious temples of
Brahma, Wisnu, Siwa at the head, belly and foot;
a community hall where people of all ages gather
to socialize and worship.

Processions of Gods riding human shoulders,
gold tinted flower pots - weightless, virgins,
beautiful young girls not yet women,
cute boys with bare chests who lead,
nodding to unseen spirits.

Square palm-leaf plates, rice,
flowers, fruit, salt, chilli powder;
left to appease the spirits whom they invite
to ward off the evil ones
in the kitchen, in their bedroom;
at night they send them back
to where they came from;
their Gods too expensive to maintain
there sure are too many spirits, there.

Some say that the spherical earth
is like the turtle; others say
the turtle is the image of the earth; also that
the turtle carries the earth on its back.

Wisnu sports a moustache, his metallic bust
bows in the amphitheatre; the shoulders
of Garuda are being assembled.
In the same island a volcano slumbers,
wisps of smoke escape, emit a dash of heat;
last year the volcano was active,
so now we can boil an egg in the ash of
the remaining heat in it is just enough.

Last week, the tour guide tells us
an English lady fell into its belly.

[meenas17]

The tutor and the taught - Franks and Siva. Excellent job.

Best.
Meena.

[SivaRamanathan]

Thanks Frank.
And Meena
I am bowled by the selfless service that Frank does. Let me try to pay him back.
Siva

[FranktheFrank]

My special rate to friends is IRupee 1250 per hour.