Remembering Archer

[SOriz211]

Remembering Archer

I dismounted your sex.
Let go of your lips.
Untangled our legs.
Threw out the condoms.

Night started at 8:00
till 4:00 in the morning.
We slept. Huddled up
in wait of the daylight.

[SivaVelliangiri]

Remembering Archer

I dismounted your sex.
Let go of your lips.
Untangled our legs.

Threw out the condoms.

Night started at 8:00
till 4:00 in the morning.

We slept. Huddled up
in wait of the daylight.

[BobBradshaw]

NIce poem. The first stanza is what I like about this poem. Strong, active, to the point....

[SOriz211]

Thank you Siva, thank you Bob. Siva I think I am going to divide the second stanza as you suggest.

Sergio

[SivaVelliangiri]

Remembering Archer

I dismounted your sex.
Let go of your lips.
Untangled our legs.
Threw out the condoms.

Night started at 8:00
till 4:00 in the morning.

We slept. Huddled up
in wait of the daylight.

[SOriz211]

Yes, that is how it will stand, Siva:

Remembering Archer


I dismounted your sex.
Let go of your lips.
Untangled our legs.
Threw out the condoms.

Night started at 8:00
till 4:00 in the morning.

We slept. Huddled up
in wait of the daylight.

[BobBradshaw]

Have you considered keeping only the first stanza? Of course it would change the tone and subject, but oh it would be quite a poem!

[SOriz211]

I have Bob, I thought about it right after I finished writing this. I'm still thinking about it.

Sergio

[Bernie01]

Sergio---

overwhelming force in that first verse.

I dismounted your sex.
Let go of your lips.
Untangled our legs.

not only is the subject stark, but the sentences themselves seek and find original phrasing.

wonderful.


tough choice, but i would keep the two parts of the poem. allows the reader to regroup with a smidgen of dignity.

We slept. Huddled up
in wait of the daylight.

i'm doing the same thing...after dismounting from the poem.



great poem.


bernie

my nom for the next month IBPC.

[SOriz211]

hahahahaha ok, thanks Bernie!

Sergio