Called Away

[Bernie01]

I stopped learning French
one afternoon, a bourbon
on the desk, and the shiftless
radio shut down.

Light crosses the garden
as Etruscan women follow
horsemen and bathe bronze
feet in rural pools.

If I could put my feelings
into words, the sole sentence
would be printed in white
on white spools of paper.

Yellowing window shades
roll and close, buses toot
and car parks empty. A dozen
birds fly.

The cat moves room to room.
A lucid calm opens
in the day's white powder,
pollen and dust fall and rest.

[Kenneth2816]

Pretty sombre tone. I like the white on white rendering invisibility, as a metaphor for N's feelings?

Coming back around at the end:

The cat moves room to room.
A lucid calm opens
in the day's white powder,
pollen and dust fall and rest.

The overall effect is one of non feeling, cessation, disappearance. A state of impregnability, perhaps.

Its an excellent example of showing and not telling couched in beautiful imagery.

Its just long enough Bernie. It very much leaves an impact and I appreciate the skill and craft work.

Nicely done.

[FranktheFrank]

Yes
back in the groove mood showing
by Bernie.
Like it a lot.

Read it several times
mere suggestions for ingestion:

I stopped teaching French
late one afternoon, a bourbon
on the desk, and the shiftless
radio shut down.

Light crosses the garden,
Etruscan women follow [strike 'as']
horsemen and bathe bronzed
soft feet in rural pools. [not rural, maybe: hacienda fountain]

If I could put my feelings
into words, the sole sentence
would be printed white [strike 'in']
on white paper. [strike 'of spools']

Yellowing window shades
role and close, buses toot [do you mean roll for role? double 's' in busses]
and car parks empty. A dozen
birds fly. [name that speckled hen]

The cat moves room to room.
A lucid calm opens
in the day's white powder,
pollen and dust fall and rest.

Loved the mood, the lazy day, why teach when bourbon calls and
girls washing brown feet at your fountain.

[meenas17]

A wonderful poem, Bernie.
it is soft and smooth.
More to the imagination.
The bourbon on the dek the shiftless radio, the white spots on paper, the yellowing window shades, the cat that moves from room to room, reflect the mood, one of sombre.

Enjoyed .

Meena

[Bernie01]

Guys---

Kenneth---

The overall effect is one of non feeling, cessation, disappearance. A state of impregnability, perhaps.

my state of mind while writing. the speaker even stops his learning process.


such rich feedback. especially about length...often, i rattle on too long.


showing, not telling. my mantra...

Frank---closing thinking about your suggestions. Etruscan---now where did that ancient reference come from? matching it with ancient women following horseman.

teaching vs learning---in the first line. here's a shot...teaching seemed masculine---learning more feminine---huh? well, French lessons make me think of words that are feminine or masculine. know what i mean?


soft feet in rural pools. [not rural, maybe: hacienda fountain]

good suggestion. one thing, hacienda is a Spanish word. yes?

but you see how my restless mind works during a composition.

and yes, roll l not role.


Meena--my favorite summation---

The bourbon on the desk the shiftless radio, the white spots on paper, the yellowing window shades, the cat that moves from room to room, reflect the mood, one of sombre.


thanks again to all.


bernie

[BobBradshaw]

Kenneth expresses pretty much the way I feel. It's a lyrical, beautiful poem. The heart of the poem lies in the contrast of the first two stanzas. The third stanza is the punch delivered...and allows the poem to settle gracefully into the last stanza....

[Gracy321]

Hi Bernie,
You've already had comments and suggestions. And you've tweaked your poem.
So I don't think there's anything else to nit. Hacienda is Spanish, doesn't match with Etruscan, which makes your poem sound old-worldish and I love that, even if it's happening in the present.

I like the mood of the poem. Don't find it somber, but that's what makes poetry fascinating, the way each reader has a different slant to it.

Enjoyed a lot.
Gracy

[FranktheFrank]

I thought teaching simply because this man was a drinker, he like the hard stuff, now mere boys are more interested
in girls and I though the character bored with women and more into drink - a disillusioned teacher.

I love that shiftless radio, it creeps up all the time, what a good idea - the old man gave up even on the news.

I was struck recently by a TV play, 19th century but 18th in practice, the gramophone was invented in 1877, 19th century.
and the owner played a gramophone each night of famous operas, and the peasants shuffled up to the hacienda walls to
listen to this fabulous music from heaven. French use hacienda all the time, I'm se they get fed up with French and experiment
with Spanish words, or use Masion de plantation.

I imagined them washing the feet in the fountain, with those stone statues you used in the rain poem of England at a funeral
trying to tempt the boozed up ex-teacher to come out and play.

I stopped teaching French
late one afternoon, a bourbon
on the desk, and the shiftless
radio shut down.

Light crosses the garden,
Etruscan women follow [strike 'as']
horsemen and bathe bronzed
soft feet in rural pools. [not rural, maybe: hacienda fountain]

Sorry about busses, it is of course buses.

If I could put my feelings
into words, the sole sentence
would be printed white [strike 'in']
on white paper. [strike 'of spools']

Yellowing window shades
role and close, buses toot [do you mean roll for role? double 's' in busses]
and car parks empty. A dozen
birds fly. [name that speckled hen]

The cat moves room to room.
A lucid calm opens
in the day's white powder,
pollen and dust fall and rest.

Loved the mood, the lazy day, why teach when bourbon calls and
girls washing brown feet at your fountain.

So a fantastic mood poem and a contender for IBPC like lots of your work.