Acceptance (revision)

[capricorn]

Acceptance (revision)

Impounded, Maggie waits.
Too old to race at five,
undeserving of her sentence.

The pack surrounds us,
noses poke,
nostrils vetting pheromones.

They separate her, contain
the rest behind a gate;
stress-scratched.

Tiny scars from food fights,
fleck her face,
tattoos hide inside ears.

Lying overlong on stone floors
has worn bald patches
on muscle-bound flanks.

Deep chest and long-legged
elegance, capable of high speed
in three strides,

she stands statuesque, large eyes
outlined, kohl-like as if
on a mural in Pharaoh’s temple

Muzzled, the retired runner walks
close without tugging, then lingers
beside me while I stroke.

-------------------------------------------------
Acceptance (original)

Imprisoned, Maggie waits.
At five, too old to race,
undeserving of her sentence.

The pack surrounds us,
noses poke,
nostrils vetting pheromones.

They separate her, contain
the rest behind a gate;
stress-scratched.

She stands proud, like a painting
in Pharaoh's temple, large eyes
outlined, reminiscent of Egyptian kohl,

deep chest and long-legged
elegance capable of high speed
in three strides.

Tiny scars from food fights,
fleck her face,
tattoos hide inside ears.

Lying overlong on stone floors
has worn bald patches
on muscle-bound flanks.

Muzzled, she walks close
without tugging, then lingers
beside me while I stroke;

acceptance.

[Bernie01]

C---

the clean lines in the poem resemble the adroit, swift graceful greyhound.

i can easily imagine these sensitive animals as a companion to a sitting potentate.



https://search.yahoo.com/yhs/search;_yl ... pfocus1_ff

here, a group of retired animals gather as our poet looks on, a single dog is identified:

a picture emerges---

She stands proud, like a painting
in Pharaoh's temple, large eyes
outlined, reminiscent of Egyptian kohl,


the emotions in the poem go beyond a simple play on the innocence of dogs---here we see adult emotion confronting the depth of an animals emotion.

fine job.

bernie

[FranktheFrank]

A rescue dog
how sweet.

[Michael (MV)]

 
Hi capricorn,


workshop illustrated, for your perusal & consideration     Michael (MV)


Impounded, Maggie waits.
Too old to race at five
undeserving of her sentence.

The pack surrounds us,
noses poke,
nostrils vetting pheromones.

They separate her, contain
the rest behind a gate;
stress-scratched.

Deep chest and long-legged
elegance capable of high speed
in three strides, she still stands proud
like a statue in Pharaoh's temple
with large eyes outlined kohl-like.

(or

Deep chest and long-legged
elegance capable of high speed
in three strides, she still stands statuesque
with large eyes outlined kohl-like.
like on a mural in Pharaoh's temple.)


Tiny scars from food fights,
fleck her face,
tattoos hide inside ears.

Lying overlong on stone floors
has worn bald patches
on muscle-bound flanks.

Muzzled, the retired runner walks
close without tugging, then lingers
beside me while I stroke.

 
 
 
 
  
 
 
 

[BobBradshaw]

I like the details and fine craftsmanship of this poem...esp.

She stands proud, like a painting
in Pharaoh's temple, large eyes
outlined, reminiscent of Egyptian kohl,

deep chest and long-legged
elegance capable of high speed
in three strides.

Tiny scars from food fights,
fleck her face,
tattoos hide inside ears.

Lying overlong on stone floors
has worn bald patches
on muscle-bound flanks.

[capricorn]

Thank you for the links Bernie - all fine dogs.

They make excellent pets, docile and affectionate. Many are unnecessarily destroyed and unaccounted for.

Eira

[capricorn]

A rescue dog
how sweet.

She is very sweet, Frank. To think she would have been pts if she hadn't have been rescued

Eira

[capricorn]

Thank you for your suggestions Michael, I have used them in my revision. Also I've rearranged stanzas -hope this has improved it.

Eira

[capricorn]

Thanks Bob - I have made a few changes - hopefully for the better.
Eira

[BobBradshaw]

Yes, I do. Very nice. The ending reads more smoothly now...Bob

[RWCJames]

Eira - Nicely detailed study - with an obvious love for her in the delivery. I encountered only one bump:

on muscle-bound flanks.

For me "muscle-bound" makes it somehow too human - picturing barbells and gym shorts -

Maybe something like:

'on her well-muscled flanks'

Enjoyed this - I once had a Neapolitan Mastiff - 135 lbs. - not a racer - but so intelligent I swear she could talk -
Miss Drooly T. Jewel - Tess for short - Best - RC

[FranktheFrank]

I feel this fine poem is ready to go Eira,
find a good place for it. I have read it several
times and the description of a greyhound is amazing,
I actually feel muscle-bound is perfect, these are very strong
dogs, they have to be. Well done.

[capricorn]

Yes, I do. Very nice. The ending reads more smoothly now...Bob

Thanks Bob.

Eira

[capricorn]

Eira - Nicely detailed study - with an obvious love for her in the delivery. I encountered only one bump:

on muscle-bound flanks.

For me "muscle-bound" makes it somehow too human - picturing barbells and gym shorts -

Maybe something like:

'on her well-muscled flanks'

Enjoyed this - I once had a Neapolitan Mastiff - 135 lbs. - not a racer - but so intelligent I swear she could talk -
Miss Drooly T. Jewel - Tess for short - Best - RC

Thanks Richard, I didn't think that muscle- bound might be too human. I'll think on that one. I suppose they are trained to develop muscles, as when we adopted Maggie she really did look as though she'd been in the gym. LoL!

Your dog sounds lovely. Our Dalmatian (gone now) used to 'talk' to us - always liked the last word too!

Eira

[capricorn]

I feel this fine poem is ready to go Eira,
find a good place for it. I have read it several
times and the description of a greyhound is amazing,
I actually feel muscle-bound is perfect, these are very strong
dogs, they have to be. Well done.

Thanks Frank. I think its time to shake off my winter apathy and send out a few poems.

Eira

[FranktheFrank]

Eira
I don't like the cold of winter these days
it's easy to stay by the fire, but I try to walk 2 miles a day
on weekdays and that does make a difference.
And I don't have a greyhound for company.