Remaindered

[RWCJames]

Gone,
her whiplash laughter,
beyond
full knowing,
dream drift
gone solo.

In sunshine volumes,
through ancient
portals,
her steps
are history,
a chapter
in the book
her face
holds hostage.

My momentum
is lost,
plagued
by atrophy.
Parting
calls up
a crossing roar,
one-way streets
turn
on themselves.

I double back
on the narrative,
store away images,
recall her line,
rolling in after-sex
cigarette haze:
"If I die tonite,
I won’t remember this,
so, honey,
I’m gonna live forever."

It will summon
her voice
when,
wretched,
alone,
I bang up
against a wall
I think,
I know,
I should
get over.

[Bernie01]

rw---


and welcome.


your poem paints a picture and tells a story.

i liked these two verses especially:


dream drift
gone solo.

and

my momentum
is lost.


i like the almost aside here, almost a throwaway line:

I won’t remember this,
so, honey,
I’m gonna live forever."


not red hot for the word shed.


It will summon
her voice
when,
shed of companions,



I face
a tall rampart
to my thought,


a little starchy.


hope to see more of your work.

bernie

[RWCJames]

thank you Bernie - Glad you liked some of it. "starchy" - that's a new one to me - but I know what you mean,
pompous or something close? I try to keep my distance from that kinda thing - this one's easily fixed though -
thanks for the welcome - appears to be some serious, intense writing going on here - and I do agree with you
on "shed" - not written in granite - RC

[BobBradshaw]

I liked stanzas 2 and 4 the best...esp. these lines:

"If I die tonite,
I won’t remember this,
so, honey,
I’m gonna live forever."

[RWCJames]

Thanks Bob - That passage was sort of an afterthought - I was thinking I needed to
lively it up a bit and this came through - makes her less mysterious than she would
have been without it. Best - RC

[Kenneth2816]

A finely ctafted poem as is.

[Michael (MV)]

 
Hi RC, and Welcome


in general kinda wordy -


workshop consider for the opening:
 
Her whiplash laughter,
beyond full knowing,
dream drift
gone solo.


and stream-line stanza 2:

In sunshine volumes
a chapter
her face bookmarks.


possible stanza 3 & 4 can be combined & distilled into one - maybe starting as

Before my momentum ends
I summon your voice
rolling in after-sex
cigarette haze:

"If I die tonite,
I won’t remember this,
so, honey,
I’m gonna live forever."



I, too, esp like that passage Bob highlighted -

I like the defiance of:

"If I die tonite,
I won’t remember this,
so, honey,
I’m gonna live forever."

^^ And end w/ those strong lines - what follows, that last stanza is overwrite


workshop-wise how about

"If I die tonite,
I won’t remember this,
so, honey,
we're gonna live forever."

or

If I die
still I will not forget this nite
'cause we're gonna live forever


RC, I have enjoyed reading & sharing workshop for your poem Remaindered



Michael (MV)

 
"Almost a breakdown of our love affair
The stiletto cuts quick like a whip through the air
Long distance winners will we survive the flight
Not one of us runs from the fire light."

^^ S. Nicks / FM "Fireflies" (1981)
 

"I run around like a spirit in flight
Fearlessness is fearlessness
I will not forget this night
Dare my wild heart
Dare my wild heart"

^^ Stevie Nicks "Widheart" (1981)


  

 
 
 
  
 
  
 
 

[RWCJames]

Michael - I always go for rhythm - those cuts kinda mess that up - meaning/content maybe but I'm partial to the way the original sings - flats/sharps an' all - Thanks though - I see what you're getting at - I'll play with it and see if I can get some of those cuts in tune - appreciate the look - and OHH Man do I love Stevie Nicks - have been watching her duets with Tom Petty - can't beat 'em - Best - RC