Between Seasons (edit spangled paradise)
Between Seasons (edit spangled paradise)
Between Seasons (edited St 4 )
September weaves with lime and copper;
a robin’s wistful trill coaxes me outside
where a north westerly blast
chills to the core.
Stomping in the rain, fallen leaves
are muddied to mulch. I ache
for dog days’ heat with perpetual light.
Yuletide brings distractions, gift shopping,
embellishments and overspending.
Limbs clothed in spangled white
summon me into an idyllic realm; desolate
I huddle beneath my faux fur throw, until
light promises. I stagger to the window,
searching, for a scarlet flash
of the swallows’ return.
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Edit
St4 L2 was summon me into a crystal paradise; desolate
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Between Seasons
September stuns with lime and copper;
a robin’s wistful trill entices me outside
where a north westerly blast
chills to the core.
Stomping in the rain, fallen foliage
is muddied to mulch. I ache
for dog days’ heat with perpetual light.
Yuletide brings distractions
with gift shopping and gaudy baubles.
Limbs clothed in spangled white
summon me into a crystal paradise; desolate
I huddle beneath my faux fur throw, until
light glimmers. I stagger to the window,
searching, for the scarlet flash
of swallow’s return.
Edits:
St2 L1 was chills with melancholia
St2 L1 was ….heat with solar light
September weaves with lime and copper;
a robin’s wistful trill coaxes me outside
where a north westerly blast
chills to the core.
Stomping in the rain, fallen leaves
are muddied to mulch. I ache
for dog days’ heat with perpetual light.
Yuletide brings distractions, gift shopping,
embellishments and overspending.
Limbs clothed in spangled white
summon me into an idyllic realm; desolate
I huddle beneath my faux fur throw, until
light promises. I stagger to the window,
searching, for a scarlet flash
of the swallows’ return.
---------------------------------------------------
Edit
St4 L2 was summon me into a crystal paradise; desolate
---------------------------------------------------
Between Seasons
September stuns with lime and copper;
a robin’s wistful trill entices me outside
where a north westerly blast
chills to the core.
Stomping in the rain, fallen foliage
is muddied to mulch. I ache
for dog days’ heat with perpetual light.
Yuletide brings distractions
with gift shopping and gaudy baubles.
Limbs clothed in spangled white
summon me into a crystal paradise; desolate
I huddle beneath my faux fur throw, until
light glimmers. I stagger to the window,
searching, for the scarlet flash
of swallow’s return.
Edits:
St2 L1 was chills with melancholia
St2 L1 was ….heat with solar light
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Re: Between Seasons
Really like the details and sounds, the alliteration etc. one nitpick: crystal paradise sounds too precious, too close to postcard description. Love that closing:
for the scarlet flash
of swallow’s return.
for the scarlet flash
of swallow’s return.
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- Joined: 03 Jun 2016, 21:03
Re: Between Seasons
I may be wrong about the crystal paradise now that I read it again in context... not my favorite line but maybe it works. I really like this poem, the fallen foliage muddied, the faux fur...
Re: Between Seasons
Get a feel of September.
The first line is great.
September stuns with lime and copper.
The longing for the solar light and the the search for the return of the swallow
are expressed beautifully.
Nice.
The first line is great.
September stuns with lime and copper.
The longing for the solar light and the the search for the return of the swallow
are expressed beautifully.
Nice.
meenas17
Re: Between Seasons
Thanks Bob,BobBradshaw wrote: ↑11 Feb 2019, 04:52Really like the details and sounds, the alliteration etc. one nitpick: crystal paradise sounds too precious, too close to postcard description. Love that closing:
for the scarlet flash
of swallow’s return.
I did think someone might comment on 'crystal paradise' line. I'm thinking on it.
Eira
Re: Between Seasons
Glad you like it, Bob. I am thinking on that line, but as yet have not found what I'm looking for. Have made a couple of other changes.BobBradshaw wrote: ↑11 Feb 2019, 08:37I may be wrong about the crystal paradise now that I read it again in context... not my favorite line but maybe it works. I really like this poem, the fallen foliage muddied, the faux fur...
Eira
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Re: Between Seasons (small edits)
Beautiful poem Bob
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Re: Between Seasons (small edits)
It’s not mine...it’s Eira’s lovely poem
Re: Between Seasons (small edits)
I take that as a compliment, Ken, Bob.
Eira
Re: Between Seasons (more edits)
I like the changes you've made; they enhance the authenticity of the poem. I'm wondering about "dog day's heat" and "crystal paradise", but then your poetry is different from my tastes, and difference makes the world go round. I do love the first line.
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- Joined: 03 Jun 2016, 21:03
Re: Between Seasons (more edits)
I like weaves better than stun. I agree w: Billy about the crystal paradise, but maybe it works... just could be improved on...overall a lovely piece
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- Location: Between the mountains and the sea
Re: Between Seasons (more edits)
s2-missing a 'too'.
Re: Between Seasons (more edits)
Thanks Billy - I'll think on those.
Eira
Re: Between Seasons (more edits)
Yes, I'm still thinking on crystal paradise, but haven't quite got there yet (brain block)BobBradshaw wrote: ↑23 Feb 2019, 21:23I like weaves better than stun. I agree w: Billy about the crystal paradise, but maybe it works... just could be improved on...overall a lovely piece
Eira
Re: Between Seasons (more edits)
Not sure where, Frank?
Eira
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- Joined: 02 Mar 2016, 18:07
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Re: Between Seasons (more edits)
Hi Frank,
I must be dim, but I cannot see where there should be a 'too' here
chills to the core.
Stomping in the rain, fallen foliage
is muddied to mulch. I ache
Eira
I must be dim, but I cannot see where there should be a 'too' here
chills to the core.
Stomping in the rain, fallen foliage
is muddied to mulch. I ache
Eira
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- Posts: 1987
- Joined: 02 Mar 2016, 18:07
- Location: Between the mountains and the sea
Re: Between Seasons (edit spangled paradise)
Have changed 'spangled paradise' - don't know if it is any better?
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- Joined: 18 Apr 2005, 04:57
Re: Between Seasons (edit spangled paradise)
Hi Eira,
I like "weaves"
and, too, b/c it rhymes with leaves,
feels right for this poem
Michael (MV)
I like "weaves"
and, too, b/c it rhymes with leaves,
feels right for this poem
Michael (MV)
Re: Between Seasons (edit spangled paradise)
Thanks Michael,Michael (MV) wrote: ↑03 Mar 2019, 07:47Hi Eira,
I like "weaves"
and, too, b/c it rhymes with leaves,
feels right for this poem
Michael (MV)
I pressume you mean change foliage in St2 to leaves? Brilliant idea. I'll change that now.
Eira
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Re: Between Seasons (edit spangled paradise)
Liked the change