Between Seasons (edit spangled paradise)

Poets post their works-in-progress here for crit and commentary. We want poets who are serious about getting their work published.
Post Reply
Message
Author
capricorn
Posts: 290
Joined: 21 Sep 2017, 23:23

Between Seasons (edit spangled paradise)

#1 Post by capricorn » 11 Feb 2019, 03:58

Between Seasons (edited St 4 )

September weaves with lime and copper;
a robin’s wistful trill coaxes me outside
where a north westerly blast

chills to the core.
Stomping in the rain, fallen leaves
are muddied to mulch. I ache

for dog days’ heat with perpetual light.
Yuletide brings distractions, gift shopping,
embellishments and overspending.

Limbs clothed in spangled white
summon me into an idyllic realm; desolate
I huddle beneath my faux fur throw, until

light promises. I stagger to the window,
searching, for a scarlet flash
of the swallows’ return.
---------------------------------------------------
Edit
St4 L2 was summon me into a crystal paradise; desolate
---------------------------------------------------
Between Seasons

September stuns with lime and copper;
a robin’s wistful trill entices me outside
where a north westerly blast

chills to the core.
Stomping in the rain, fallen foliage
is muddied to mulch. I ache

for dog days’ heat with perpetual light.
Yuletide brings distractions
with gift shopping and gaudy baubles.

Limbs clothed in spangled white
summon me into a crystal paradise; desolate
I huddle beneath my faux fur throw, until

light glimmers. I stagger to the window,
searching, for the scarlet flash
of swallow’s return.

Edits:

St2 L1 was chills with melancholia

St2 L1 was ….heat with solar light

BobBradshaw
Posts: 1368
Joined: 03 Jun 2016, 21:03

Re: Between Seasons

#2 Post by BobBradshaw » 11 Feb 2019, 04:52

Really like the details and sounds, the alliteration etc. one nitpick: crystal paradise sounds too precious, too close to postcard description. Love that closing:

for the scarlet flash
of swallow’s return.

BobBradshaw
Posts: 1368
Joined: 03 Jun 2016, 21:03

Re: Between Seasons

#3 Post by BobBradshaw » 11 Feb 2019, 08:37

I may be wrong about the crystal paradise now that I read it again in context... not my favorite line but maybe it works. I really like this poem, the fallen foliage muddied, the faux fur...

meenas17
Posts: 683
Joined: 23 Mar 2014, 11:27

Re: Between Seasons

#4 Post by meenas17 » 11 Feb 2019, 18:00

Get a feel of September.
The first line is great.

September stuns with lime and copper.

The longing for the solar light and the the search for the return of the swallow
are expressed beautifully.

Nice.
meenas17

capricorn
Posts: 290
Joined: 21 Sep 2017, 23:23

Re: Between Seasons

#5 Post by capricorn » 13 Feb 2019, 02:48

BobBradshaw wrote:
11 Feb 2019, 04:52
Really like the details and sounds, the alliteration etc. one nitpick: crystal paradise sounds too precious, too close to postcard description. Love that closing:

for the scarlet flash
of swallow’s return.
Thanks Bob,

I did think someone might comment on 'crystal paradise' line. I'm thinking on it.

Eira

capricorn
Posts: 290
Joined: 21 Sep 2017, 23:23

Re: Between Seasons

#6 Post by capricorn » 13 Feb 2019, 02:52

BobBradshaw wrote:
11 Feb 2019, 08:37
I may be wrong about the crystal paradise now that I read it again in context... not my favorite line but maybe it works. I really like this poem, the fallen foliage muddied, the faux fur...
Glad you like it, Bob. I am thinking on that line, but as yet have not found what I'm looking for. Have made a couple of other changes.

Eira

capricorn
Posts: 290
Joined: 21 Sep 2017, 23:23

Re: Between Seasons

#7 Post by capricorn » 13 Feb 2019, 02:53

meenas17 wrote:
11 Feb 2019, 18:00
Get a feel of September.
The first line is great.

September stuns with lime and copper.

The longing for the solar light and the the search for the return of the swallow
are expressed beautifully.

Nice.
Thanks Meena - glad you enjoyed this one.

Eira

BobBradshaw
Posts: 1368
Joined: 03 Jun 2016, 21:03

Re: Between Seasons (small edits)

#8 Post by BobBradshaw » 13 Feb 2019, 08:25

Good edits

Kenneth2816
Posts: 1176
Joined: 01 Jun 2008, 09:17

Re: Between Seasons (small edits)

#9 Post by Kenneth2816 » 13 Feb 2019, 18:46

Beautiful poem Bob

BobBradshaw
Posts: 1368
Joined: 03 Jun 2016, 21:03

Re: Between Seasons (small edits)

#10 Post by BobBradshaw » 13 Feb 2019, 20:38

It’s not mine...it’s Eira’s lovely poem

capricorn
Posts: 290
Joined: 21 Sep 2017, 23:23

Re: Between Seasons (small edits)

#11 Post by capricorn » 23 Feb 2019, 18:51

Kenneth2816 wrote:
13 Feb 2019, 18:46
Beautiful poem Bob
I take that as a compliment, Ken, Bob. :D

Eira

capricorn
Posts: 290
Joined: 21 Sep 2017, 23:23

Re: Between Seasons (more edits)

#12 Post by capricorn » 23 Feb 2019, 18:51

Edited!

User avatar
Billy
Posts: 952
Joined: 22 Jun 2006, 10:56

Re: Between Seasons (more edits)

#13 Post by Billy » 23 Feb 2019, 20:50

I like the changes you've made; they enhance the authenticity of the poem. I'm wondering about "dog day's heat" and "crystal paradise", but then your poetry is different from my tastes, and difference makes the world go round. I do love the first line.

BobBradshaw
Posts: 1368
Joined: 03 Jun 2016, 21:03

Re: Between Seasons (more edits)

#14 Post by BobBradshaw » 23 Feb 2019, 21:23

I like weaves better than stun. I agree w: Billy about the crystal paradise, but maybe it works... just could be improved on...overall a lovely piece

FranktheFrank
Posts: 1532
Joined: 02 Mar 2016, 18:07
Location: Between the mountains and the sea

Re: Between Seasons (more edits)

#15 Post by FranktheFrank » 23 Feb 2019, 23:32

s2-missing a 'too'.

capricorn
Posts: 290
Joined: 21 Sep 2017, 23:23

Re: Between Seasons (more edits)

#16 Post by capricorn » 24 Feb 2019, 01:18

Billy wrote:
23 Feb 2019, 20:50
I like the changes you've made; they enhance the authenticity of the poem. I'm wondering about "dog day's heat" and "crystal paradise", but then your poetry is different from my tastes, and difference makes the world go round. I do love the first line.
Thanks Billy - I'll think on those.

Eira

capricorn
Posts: 290
Joined: 21 Sep 2017, 23:23

Re: Between Seasons (more edits)

#17 Post by capricorn » 24 Feb 2019, 01:21

BobBradshaw wrote:
23 Feb 2019, 21:23
I like weaves better than stun. I agree w: Billy about the crystal paradise, but maybe it works... just could be improved on...overall a lovely piece
Yes, I'm still thinking on crystal paradise, but haven't quite got there yet (brain block)

Eira

capricorn
Posts: 290
Joined: 21 Sep 2017, 23:23

Re: Between Seasons (more edits)

#18 Post by capricorn » 24 Feb 2019, 01:22

FranktheFrank wrote:
23 Feb 2019, 23:32
s2-missing a 'too'.
Not sure where, Frank?
Eira

FranktheFrank
Posts: 1532
Joined: 02 Mar 2016, 18:07
Location: Between the mountains and the sea

Re: Between Seasons (more edits)

#19 Post by FranktheFrank » 25 Feb 2019, 02:03

s2.

capricorn
Posts: 290
Joined: 21 Sep 2017, 23:23

Re: Between Seasons (more edits)

#20 Post by capricorn » 26 Feb 2019, 23:11

Hi Frank,

I must be dim, but I cannot see where there should be a 'too' here

chills to the core.
Stomping in the rain, fallen foliage
is muddied to mulch. I ache

Eira

FranktheFrank
Posts: 1532
Joined: 02 Mar 2016, 18:07
Location: Between the mountains and the sea

Re: Between Seasons (more edits)

#21 Post by FranktheFrank » 27 Feb 2019, 12:06

Okay.

capricorn
Posts: 290
Joined: 21 Sep 2017, 23:23

Re: Between Seasons (edit spangled paradise)

#22 Post by capricorn » 28 Feb 2019, 00:59

Have changed 'spangled paradise' - don't know if it is any better?

Michael (MV)
Posts: 1574
Joined: 18 Apr 2005, 04:57

Re: Between Seasons (edit spangled paradise)

#23 Post by Michael (MV) » 03 Mar 2019, 07:47

Hi Eira,

I like "weaves"

and, too, b/c it rhymes with leaves,
feels right for this poem


😎

Michael (MV)

capricorn
Posts: 290
Joined: 21 Sep 2017, 23:23

Re: Between Seasons (edit spangled paradise)

#24 Post by capricorn » 03 Mar 2019, 17:16

Michael (MV) wrote:
03 Mar 2019, 07:47
Hi Eira,

I like "weaves"

and, too, b/c it rhymes with leaves,
feels right for this poem


😎

Michael (MV)
Thanks Michael,

I pressume you mean change foliage in St2 to leaves? Brilliant idea. I'll change that now.

Eira

BobBradshaw
Posts: 1368
Joined: 03 Jun 2016, 21:03

Re: Between Seasons (edit spangled paradise)

#25 Post by BobBradshaw » 04 Mar 2019, 21:37

Liked the change

Post Reply

Return to “Writer's Block - Where The Poets Hang”