Salmon Run - revised

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BobBradshaw
Posts: 1274
Joined: 03 Jun 2016, 21:03

Salmon Run - revised

#1 Post by BobBradshaw » 14 Mar 2019, 22:55

V3:
Salmon Run

He squirms under fallen branches
leaps over toppled trees
his gills burning as he hurdles
over boulders his hump

slicing the water as eagles'
talons like trawling hooks
skim the surface

all while females at the run's
end scoop redds
in the riffle
dropping their roe
in pebbled shallows

no thought of turning back
not even after the milky
clouds have settled
his mouth gaping

lost in a fog
of senescence drifting
slowly, everywhere bumping
against the lifeless



V2:Salmon Run


He writhes under fallen branches,
leaps over toppled trees,
his gills burning as he hurdles
over boulders,
his hump slicing the water
as eagles' talons, like trawling hooks,
skim the surface,
and as females at the run's end
scoop redds
in the riffle,
dropping their roe
in pebbled shallows,
he gives no thought of turning around
not even after the milky clouds
have settled,
his mouth gaping,
and him lost in a fog of senescence,
drifting slowly, everywhere--
bumping against him--
the dead.



V1:
Salmon Run


Writhing under fallen branches,
leaping over toppled trees,
his gills burning as he hurdles
over boulders,
he barrels ahead
his hump slicing the water
as eagles' talons, like trawling hooks,
skim the surface--
but with girls at the run's' end
scooping redds
in the riffle,
dropping their roe
in turbulent shallows,
he gives no thought of turning around
not even after the milky clouds
have settled,
his mouth gaping,
and him lost in a fog of senescence,
drifting slowly, everywhere--
bumping against him--
the dead.

User avatar
Billy
Posts: 901
Joined: 22 Jun 2006, 10:56

Re: Salmon Run

#2 Post by Billy » 15 Mar 2019, 07:24

I love all the descriptions and the end, but I'm just not sold on this line: "but with girls at the run's' end". I don't know maybe others like it and I'm just off.

SivaRamanathan
Posts: 965
Joined: 14 May 2011, 20:30

Re: Salmon Run

#3 Post by SivaRamanathan » 15 Mar 2019, 11:45

I too found that line a bit odd, especially the negative 'but'.

FranktheFrank
Posts: 1499
Joined: 02 Mar 2016, 18:07
Location: Between the mountains and the sea

Re: Salmon Run

#4 Post by FranktheFrank » 15 Mar 2019, 12:15

but with girls at the run's' end
scooping redds
in the riffle,
I see Meena's disquiteness at the 'but',
normally one would expect an alternate view,
or an explanation. I have reservations about 'girls',
think 'females' would do.

BobBradshaw
Posts: 1274
Joined: 03 Jun 2016, 21:03

Re: Salmon Run

#5 Post by BobBradshaw » 15 Mar 2019, 20:45

Some excellent thoughts, guys... thank you... I will make adjustments... Frank, like especially the “pebbled shallows”

SivaRamanathan
Posts: 965
Joined: 14 May 2011, 20:30

Re: Salmon Run - revised

#6 Post by SivaRamanathan » 16 Mar 2019, 06:05

Bob
Read a good poem first read of the morning. I did not quite get the girls,only got it after Frank's 'females. I also love the sound of those sibilant words which are quite new to me.

S

BobBradshaw
Posts: 1274
Joined: 03 Jun 2016, 21:03

Re: Salmon Run - revised

#7 Post by BobBradshaw » 16 Mar 2019, 09:04

Thanks, Siva

FranktheFrank
Posts: 1499
Joined: 02 Mar 2016, 18:07
Location: Between the mountains and the sea

Re: Salmon Run - revised

#8 Post by FranktheFrank » 16 Mar 2019, 15:42

This is coming nicely Bob, I feel you still have lines to tidy up:

capricorn
Posts: 285
Joined: 21 Sep 2017, 23:23

Re: Salmon Run - revised

#9 Post by capricorn » 16 Mar 2019, 17:42

I love nature poems, Bob , so really enjoyed the descriptions in this one.

Good revision, I would only suggest 'corpses' instead of 'dead' in the last line.

Eira

BobBradshaw
Posts: 1274
Joined: 03 Jun 2016, 21:03

Re: Salmon Run - revised

#10 Post by BobBradshaw » 17 Mar 2019, 07:42

Thanks, Eira

Michael (MV)
Posts: 1546
Joined: 18 Apr 2005, 04:57

Re: Salmon Run - revised

#11 Post by Michael (MV) » 17 Mar 2019, 21:25

Hi Bob,

in form & movement, William Carlos Williams' ekphrastic poem "The Dance" (The Kermess) immediately springs to mind:

https://genius.com/William-carlos-willi ... -annotated

Hopkins' inscape & rhythm, too


below, illustrated workshop(phantom punctuation, white space, some erratic lineage) for your perusal & consideration 8) Michael (MV)


He writhes under fallen branches
leaps over toppled trees
his gills burning as he hurdles
over boulders his hump

slicing the water as eagles'
talons like trawling hooks
skim the surface

all while females at the run's
end scoop redds
in the riffle
dropping their roe
in pebbled shallows

no thought of turning back
not even after the milky
clouds have settled
his mouth gaping

lost in a miasma
of senescence drifting
everywhere slowing bumping
against the lifeless

BobBradshaw
Posts: 1274
Joined: 03 Jun 2016, 21:03

Re: Salmon Run - revised

#12 Post by BobBradshaw » 18 Mar 2019, 00:05

I like this, Michael. I will probably use it... thank you

BobBradshaw
Posts: 1274
Joined: 03 Jun 2016, 21:03

Re: Salmon Run - revised

#13 Post by BobBradshaw » 18 Mar 2019, 01:53

Thx, Michael... this is a big improvement

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