Quasimodo

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BobBradshaw
Posts: 1227
Joined: 03 Jun 2016, 21:03

Quasimodo

#1 Post by BobBradshaw » 16 Apr 2019, 22:45

V5:




Quasimodo

Taunts are hurled like stones
by boys and drunks. I duck many
because I'm stone deaf--from ringing bells.

People think that I'm dumb
when I don't respond, but I have
always known where to find peace.

The cathedral. Its walls of stone.
There the world's confusion calms,
as inevitably as a stirred drink settles.

Or it did before I carried Esmeralda
off to the belfry,
rescuing her from the gallows.

"Sanctuary! Sanctuary!" I shouted
to the pack of dogs below.
But even when I bring her an extra

blanket, a second cup of soup
she can't help turning away
seeing my deformity.

Why wouldn't Esmeralda
fall for the pretty Captain Phoebus?
A dried creek bed isn't as shallow

as that ass. Who said the world's just?
I could bring apples in winter
to Esmeralda, the finest wines

from the Archdeacon's collection
and still my kindness
could not compete

with Phoebus’ flawless skin.
Against all logic my heart’s barricades
are overthrown by her presence.

Yet I remind myself over and over,
as if repeating a vow,
that it’s enough being near her.

Why do I lie to myself?
I will always be a leper
without a colony.

V4:

Quasimodo

Taunts are hurled like stones
by boys and drunks. I duck many
because I'm stone deaf--from ringing bells.

People think that I'm dumb
when I don't respond, but I have
always known where to find peace.

The cathedral. Its walls of stone.
There the world's confusion
and cruelty calms, as inevitably

as a stirred drink settles.
Or it did before I carried Esmeralda
off to the belfry,

rescuing her from the gallows.
"Sanctuary! Sanctuary!" I shouted
to the pack of dogs below.

But even when I bring her an extra
blanket, a second cup of soup
she can't help turning away

seeing my deformity.
Why wouldn't Esmeralda fall
for the pretty Captain Phoebus?

A dried creek bed isn't as shallow
as that ass. Who said the world's just?
I could bring apples in winter

to Esmeralda, the finest wines
from the Archdeacon's collection
and still my kindness

could not compete
with Phoebus’ flawless skin.
Against all logic my heart’s

barricades are overthrown
by her presence.
Yet I remind myself over and over,

as if repeating a vow,
that it’s enough being near her.
Why do I lie to myself?

I will always be a leper
without a colony.



V3:

Quasimodo


Within these cathedral's walls
the crowd’s hatred
calms, as inevitably

as a stirred drink settles.
Or it did before I carried Esmeralda
off to the belfry,

rescuing her from the gallows.
"Sanctuary! Sanctuary!" I shouted
to the pack of dogs below.

But even when I bring her an extra
blanket, a second cup of soup
she can't help turning away

seeing my deformity.
Why wouldn't Esmeralda fall
for the pretty Captain Phoebus?

A dried creek bed isn't as shallow
as that ass. Who said the world's just?
I could bring apples in winter

to Esmeralda, the finest wines
from the Archdeacon's collection,
and still my kindness

could not compete
with Phoebus’ flawless skin.
Against all logic my heart’s

barricades are overthrown
by her presence.
Yet I remind myself over and over,

as if repeating a vow,
that it’s enough being near her.
Why do I lie to myself?

I will always be a leper
without a colony.



V2:

Quasimodo


Within these stone walls
the world's confusion and cruelty
calms, as inevitably

as a stirred drink settles.
Or it did before I carried Esmeralda
off to Notre Dame's heights,

rescuing her from the gallows.
"Sanctuary! Sanctuary!" I shouted
to the angry pack of dogs below.

But even when I bring her an extra
blanket, a second cup of soup
she can't hide her disgust

at my deformity.
Why wouldn't Esmeralda fall
for the pretty Captain Phoebus?

A dried creek bed isn't as shallow
as that ass. Who said the world's just?
I could bring apples in winter

to Esmeralda, the finest wines
from the Archdeacon's collection,
and still I would be Quasimodo,

hunchback--my future
a dirty bed of straw.
I am a leper without a colony,

and yet my heart goes crazy
just being near her--
but I'm no fool. Lonely, I can never

fly to her, the distance
between us too great for an ugly
pigeon with clipped
wings.




V1:
Quasimodo


Taunts are hurled like stones
by boys and drunks. I duck many
because I'm stone deaf--from ringing bells.

People think that I'm dumb
when I don't respond, but I have
always known where to find peace.

The cathedral. Its walls of stone.
There the world's confusion
and cruelty calms, as inevitably

as a stirred drink settles.
Or it did before I carried Esmeralda
off to Notre Dame's heights,

rescuing her from the gallows.
"Sanctuary! Sanctuary!" I shouted
to the angry pack of dogs below.

But even when I bring her an extra
blanket, a second cup of soup
she can't hide her disgust

at my deformity.
How must I look to her? One side
of my face swollen,

my left eye squeezed shut
like a closed fist?
Why wouldn't a woman flinch

even as she accepts my gifts?
Why wouldn't Esmeralda fall
for the pretty Captain Phoebus?

A dried creek bed isn't as shallow
as that ass. Who said the world's just?
I could bring apples in winter

to Esmeralda, the finest wines
from the Archdeacon's collection,
and still I would be Quasimodo,

hunchback--my future a dirty bed of straw
shared with no one but lice.
I am a leper without a colony,

and yet my heart goes crazy
just being near her--
but I'm no fool. Lonely, I can never

fly to her, the distance
between us too great for an ugly
pigeon with clipped
wings.

Kenneth2816
Posts: 991
Joined: 01 Jun 2008, 09:17

Re: Quasimodo

#2 Post by Kenneth2816 » 16 Apr 2019, 23:14

Poignant and timely

BobBradshaw
Posts: 1227
Joined: 03 Jun 2016, 21:03

Re: Quasimodo

#3 Post by BobBradshaw » 17 Apr 2019, 02:44

Thanks, Ken

FranktheFrank
Posts: 1496
Joined: 02 Mar 2016, 18:07
Location: Between the mountains and the sea

Re: Quasimodo

#4 Post by FranktheFrank » 17 Apr 2019, 13:11

It has benefitted from some judicious pruning Bob,
Maybe cut a bit more.

BobBradshaw
Posts: 1227
Joined: 03 Jun 2016, 21:03

Re: Quasimodo

#5 Post by BobBradshaw » 17 Apr 2019, 23:21

Thx, Frank...I would love to trim, if it would help. Suggestions?

FranktheFrank
Posts: 1496
Joined: 02 Mar 2016, 18:07
Location: Between the mountains and the sea

Re: Quasimodo

#6 Post by FranktheFrank » 18 Apr 2019, 01:19

I have reworked it Bob, did it 2 days ago
but didn't like to offend you.
It's pretty drastic.
The poem is strong, just two much detailed descriptions.

BobBradshaw
Posts: 1227
Joined: 03 Jun 2016, 21:03

Re: Quasimodo

#7 Post by BobBradshaw » 18 Apr 2019, 03:08

I am never offended by suggestions. But many suggestions from well meaning readers often don’t improve the poem... so I ignore them. But as Michael and Bernie would attest, I often revise my poems, sometimes substantially, based on constructive criticism. So feel free to suggest.

BobBradshaw
Posts: 1227
Joined: 03 Jun 2016, 21:03

Re: Quasimodo

#8 Post by BobBradshaw » 18 Apr 2019, 07:49

Frank, I have shortened "Quasimodo". I think your instincts were right, that it needed to be given a generous trim. Let me know your thoughts....others too. Best

FranktheFrank
Posts: 1496
Joined: 02 Mar 2016, 18:07
Location: Between the mountains and the sea

Re: Quasimodo

#9 Post by FranktheFrank » 20 Apr 2019, 02:39

Ekphrastic really as we know the story,
so maybe far too descriptive. Perhaps the fire
was the spark, and I like the thought behind it, to
bring attention to the current story unfolding in Paris
and the famous hunchback and his beloved, a story
of unrequited love, repulsive as he is and deaf as a
cracked bell, he is pure inside and the crowd filled with hatred.

Within these stone [cathedral] walls
the world's [crowd's hatred] confusion and cruelty
calms, as inevitably

as a stirred drink settles.
Or it did before I carried Esmeralda [her - we know her name]
off to Notre Dame's heights, [cut Notre dame it's in the title]

rescuing her from the gallows.
"Sanctuary! Sanctuary!" I shouted
to the angry pack of dogs below. [maybe too emotive let the story tell 'pack of dogs is insulting to dogs' :) they are the evil side of humanity]

But even when I bring her an extra
blanket, a second cup of soup
she can't hide her disgust [I find this far to descriptive, maybe: 'when I bring soup, I notice she draws away or shrinks a little - if only I could win her with kindness I have little else to give compared to her handsome captain,]

at my deformity.
Why wouldn't Esmeralda fall
for the pretty Captain Phoebus? line 2 nad 3 are excellent, leave them in. No need to mention the hump, it's like the elephant in the room. :)

A dried creek bed isn't as shallow [excellent line]
as that ass. Who said the world's just?
I could bring apples in winter

to Esmeralda, the finest wines
from the Archdeacon's collection,
and still I would be Quasimodo, [cut this strophe/stranza]

hunchback--my future
a dirty bed of straw.
I am a leper without a colony, [excellent line]

and yet my heart goes crazy
just being near her--
but I'm no fool. Lonely, I can never [this isn't bad, a bit more]

[I would stop here- the ambition of this 'S' excellent, needs a tad more to finish of in triumph.
The kind of triumph as in when Christ Jesus the God of all the Universe rises from the grave
after terrible affliction from men to save fallen mankind. Willing ness to sacrifice all for the love of man [a woman].
Maybe show satisfaction that just being near her is enough.

fly to her, the distance
between us too great for an ugly
pigeon with clipped
wings.

I hope not savage Bob, but it has great potential, great potential.

Michael (MV)
Posts: 1528
Joined: 18 Apr 2005, 04:57

Re: Quasimodo

#10 Post by Michael (MV) » 20 Apr 2019, 04:57

Bob.

Victor Hugo would like

I certainly do

Actually I wrote a Quasimodo poem years ago; Notre Dame & your poem have given me cause to retrieve & source it in 2019.

I like "Notre Dame's heights"
since the persona/title role is Quasimodo, consider leaving the anti-hero out of that space. Look/read with
"Notre Dame's heights" in that space.
Then in the text

Or it did before I carried Esmeralda
away to the cathedral's belfry.

In subsequent, I find these side lines.

Quasimodo & Esmeralda
find sanctuary
at Notre Dame's heights

He takes Beauty
to the belfry -
Quasimodo's
man cave

^^ needless to say I hear Heathcliff & Cathy @ Wuthering Heights


Bob,

I wrote more, but I lost it. I hope to resume, but for now. I need to tend to a belated
April IBPC thread at Palaver.

Bob, your Quasimodo poem is on my short list for May. I hope it will be available.

😎

Michael (MV)

BobBradshaw
Posts: 1227
Joined: 03 Jun 2016, 21:03

Re: Quasimodo

#11 Post by BobBradshaw » 20 Apr 2019, 06:27

Thx, Michael... it will be available for the short list for May...
I like your belfry line....
but now I need to go check the March poems

BobBradshaw
Posts: 1227
Joined: 03 Jun 2016, 21:03

Re: Quasimodo

#12 Post by BobBradshaw » 20 Apr 2019, 06:28

Frank, I appreciate your insights and suggestions...I have incorporated some of them. Let me know your thoughts....

BobBradshaw
Posts: 1227
Joined: 03 Jun 2016, 21:03

Re: Quasimodo

#13 Post by BobBradshaw » 20 Apr 2019, 07:11

Michael and Frank, please let me know if V3 works better than V2, etc. Best, Bob

Michael (MV)
Posts: 1528
Joined: 18 Apr 2005, 04:57

Re: Quasimodo

#14 Post by Michael (MV) » 29 Apr 2019, 09:08

Bob,

I find the the opening of VI, esp the 1st stanza, has been forfeited to streamlining:

"Taunts are hurled like stones
by boys and drunks. I duck many
because I'm stone deaf--from ringing bells.

People think that I'm dumb
when I don't respond, but I have
always known where to find peace."

^^ There are details there that have been forfeited to streamlining. The intro of the rock/stone motif, which you have skillfully articulated in stanza one, is much more creatively engaging than are the revisions.
The realization of how & why Quasimodo lost hearing, when others aren't aware, creates an irony in which the others are in the dumb position, and they have hearing.

Here is my workshop share:

Taunts are hurled like rocks
by boys and drunks. I duck many
because I'm stone deaf--from ringing bells.

People think me dumb
when I don't respond, but it is I
who has found the place of peace.


Bob, I must lay me down to sleep in my man cave; perhaps I'll workshop more,

either in this entry, or another.


Please bring back "Notre Dame's heights."


😎

Michael (MV)


<QUOTE author="BobBradshaw" post_id="34924" time="1555729890" user_id="6265"><s>
BobBradshaw wrote:
20 Apr 2019, 07:11
</s>
Michael and Frank, please let me know if V3 works better than V2, etc. Best, Bob
<e>
</e></QUOTE>

Kenneth2816
Posts: 991
Joined: 01 Jun 2008, 09:17

Re: Quasimodo

#15 Post by Kenneth2816 » 29 Apr 2019, 15:42

Nominates for IBPC

BobBradshaw
Posts: 1227
Joined: 03 Jun 2016, 21:03

Re: Quasimodo

#16 Post by BobBradshaw » 29 Apr 2019, 21:47

MIchael, thanks...I have put back the original version of those stanzas.
Kenneth -- thanks for the nom...appreciated

Michael (MV)
Posts: 1528
Joined: 18 Apr 2005, 04:57

Re: Quasimodo

#17 Post by Michael (MV) » 06 May 2019, 04:37

 
Hi Bob,

got too busy unexpectedly, but here below are some additional Unconditional workshop-shares.

If you elect to do any edit/revise, do so on your copy posted at Palaver:

http://www.the-writers-block.net/forum/ ... 483#p34985

I'll be sending in the finals Monday afternoon May 6, 2019.

in the spirit of creativity

Michael (MV)


If looking for an epigraph,

Quasimodo says to a gargoyle on the ramparts of Notre Dame as Esmeralda rides off with says.

"Why was I not made of stone like thee?


too *stoned* - see how I suggest not using that word so much so close, when there are options.

Taunts are hurled like rocks
by boys and drunks. I duck many
because I'm stone deaf--from ringing bells.

People think that I'm dumb
when I don't respond, but I have
always known where to find peace.

The cathedral-castle walls -
There the world's cruelty calms,
as inevitably as the bell drums settle.

^^ "as a stirred drink settles" - the hunchback, I imagine, might instead speak of the bell drum going silent or slowing down to a halt
rescuing her from the gallows.

Or it did before I carried Esmeralda
off to the belfry at Notre Dame heights,
rescuing her from the gallows.

"Sanctuary! Sanctuary!" I shouted
to the pack of dogs below.
But even when I bring her an extra

blanket, a second cup of soup
she can't help turning away
seeing my deformity.

Why wouldn't the gypsy-girl fall for
the pretty Captain Phoebus?
A dried creek bed isn't as shallow

^^ alternative to repeating the name Esmeralda

as that ass. Who said the world's just?
I could bring apples in winter
to the belle, the finest wines

^^ another alternative to repeating the name Esmeralda

from the Archdeacon's collection,
and still my kindness
could not compete

with Phoebus’ flawless skin.
Against all logic my heart’s barricades
are overthrown by her presence.

Yet I remind myself over and over,
as if repeating a vow,
that it’s enough being near her.

Why do I lie to myself?
I will always be a leper
without a colony.

"Oh! Everything I loved!"

^^ If ever considering a subscript




 

 

 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 

BobBradshaw
Posts: 1227
Joined: 03 Jun 2016, 21:03

Re: Quasimodo

#18 Post by BobBradshaw » 06 May 2019, 07:24

Thx for workshopping... you have some interesting suggestions....why am I not stone, the bells slowing, trimming some of the Esmeraldas... for now I am swapping one Esmeralda for gypsy girl....At a later time I might revisit your ideas.... regardless of how the poem fares at the IBPC.

Again, thank you

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