untitled senryu
untitled senryu
the test-tube baby
brings a mother untold joy;
father's unaware
brings a mother untold joy;
father's unaware
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Re: untitled senryu
Very nice
should it be:
Father unaware.
should it be:
Father unaware.
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- Posts: 2154
- Joined: 18 Apr 2005, 04:57
Re: untitled senryu
Hi Eira,
a 3-line micro-form; that 3rd line crowds the senryu - and, too, there is that abstraction "joy"
if filtering for a senryu, consider starting along these lines:
a mother's
boundless joy
from a test tube
^^ still there a need - in both the 3-line micro-poem & senryu - to show the abstraction "joy," instead of telling.
So let's look at this incarnation:
a single mother's
afterglow
from a test tube
^^ and inferred is "father's unaware"
on the peripheral: Until I read your poem, I never noticed before the potential for linguistic pun on "test" & "tube":
a single mother's
afterglow
from test & tube
test & tube, the clinical analogy to leather & lace
In workshopping, I have now found this one (Thanks)
a single mother's
basking in the son-light
from a testtube
^^ btw, possibly a senryu-poem; however, the MV play on "son(sun)" probably makes this more a micro-poem
Michael (MV)
Re: untitled senryu
Thank you Siva
Re: untitled senryu
Not sure, Frank - possibly Father is unaware
Re: untitled senryu
Thanks Bob
Re: untitled senryu
Michael (MV) wrote: ↑18 May 2019, 12:44
Hi Eira,
Wow Michael, you have given me so much to think on here (which I like!) I have always has a fascination for haiku/senryu but never do very well at writing.
a 3-line micro-form; that 3rd line crowds the senryu - and, too, there is that abstraction "joy"
if filtering for a senryu, consider starting along these lines:
a mother's
boundless joy
from a test tube
Yes, I see the difference
^^ still there a need - in both the 3-line micro-poem & senryu - to show the abstraction "joy," instead of telling.
So let's look at this incarnation:
a single mother's
afterglow
from a test tube
afterglow is a wonderful alternative
^^ and inferred is "father's unaware" true
on the peripheral: Until I read your poem, I never noticed before the potential for linguistic pun on "test" & "tube":
a single mother's
afterglow
from test & tube
test & tube, the clinical analogy to leather & lace
I'm not too sure I see the connection between leather & lace - I'll think on that a bit more
In workshopping, I have now found this one (Thanks)
a single mother's
basking in the son-light
from a testtube
^^ btw, possibly a senryu-poem; however, the MV play on "son(sun)" probably makes this more a micro-poem
I think this might be nearest to my train of thought. Yes, I don't think it was ever a true senryu.
Thank you for your thoughts on this, Michael.
Eira
Michael (MV)