Emily Dickinson, Marry Me — revised
-
- Posts: 2688
- Joined: 03 Jun 2016, 21:03
Emily Dickinson, Marry Me — revised
V5:
Emily Dickinson, Marry Me
I.
Emily, isn't my love as obvious
as an open field? So I ask again, Why delay
getting married? I fear if we wait
I will lose you.
Coming over today, I saw wild mares
in the hills, moving in unison,
turning their shy faces away from me.
They reminded me of you.
Emily, I long to tame one
--to throw my arms
around her neck in a long embrace.
Yet I fear her hesitation
if my forehead touches hers,
her hooves stamping nervously
in place, at any moment
about to shake me loose
as she would a burr
from her wild mane.
II.
I apologize for my first proposal—
impulsively showing up
in your house, the womenfolk as alarmed
by my arrival as birds
in trees by lightning.
Your sister Vinnie flew
from room to room trying to find you.
I half expected the floor
to be strewn with feathers
by the time you appeared
on the stairs—shaken,
your dress agitated,
as if an unsettling gust
had burst through an open window.
“I’ve come to take you
with me, Emily. It’s time
you wore a wedding ring.
Family iIlnesses have come between us
for too long. Happiness,
like a bride’s tossed bouquet,
must be seized. If we miss
our chance, it may not come again.”
Was it your mother upstairs,
sick, that held you back?
Indecisive, you swayed,
as if about to faint.
"I won’t take No for an answer.”
“No,” you finally said, tearing up
—your voice distraught
like a tethered bird’s
V4:
note: I would like to thank Judy for her great help on this....I think her version works better...what do you think?
Emily Dickinson, Marry Me
Today I saw wild mares in the hills
moving in unison,
turning their faces away in shyness
when they saw me
They reminded me of you;
I long to tame one
--to throw my arms
around her neck in a long embrace,
yet I fear her hesitation
if my forehead touches hers,
her feet stamping nervously
in place, at any moment
about to shake me loose
as she would a burr
from her wild mane
V3:
Emily Dickinson, Marry Me
Emily, isn't my love as obvious
as an open field? Why delay
getting married? My heart is big
like my house, waiting for you.
Today, coming over, I saw
wild mares in the hills
moving in unison, pausing,
changing directions rapidly
turning their faces away
at a mere glance.
Emily, I long to tame one
--to throw my arms
around her neck in a long embrace.
Yet I fear her hesitation
if my forehead touches hers,
her hooves stamping nervously
in place, at any moment
about to shake me loose
as she would a burr
from her wild
mane
V2:
Emily Dickinson, Marry Me
Emily, isn't my love as obvious
as an open field? There is no reason
to postpone. My heart is big
like my house, waiting for you
--servants at your beckoning.
You are naturally timid,
but why delay?
It can be a small wedding,
if that is what you want, dearest.
I'm afraid if we wait I'll lose you.
Today, coming over, I saw
wild mares in the hills
moving in unison, pausing,
changing directions rapidly
turning their faces away
at a mere glance.
Emily, I long to tame one
--to throw my arms
around her neck in a long embrace.
Yet I fear her hesitation
if my forehead touches hers,
her hooves stamping nervously
in place, at any moment
about to shake me loose
as she would a burr
from her wild
mane
V1:
Emily Dickinson, Marry Me
Emily, isn't my love as obvious
as an open field? There is no reason
to postpone. My heart is big
like my house, waiting for you
--servants at your beckoning.
You are naturally timid,
shy as a filly. But why delay?
It can be a small wedding,
if that is what you want, dearest.
I'm afraid if we wait I'll lose you.
Today, coming over, I saw
wild mares in the hills
moving in unison, pausing,
changing directions rapidly.
Their big eyes flashed like women
with a sixth sense about the dangers of men,
turning their faces away
at a mere glance.
Emily, I long to tame one
--to throw my arms
around her neck in a long embrace.
Yet I fear her hesitation
if my forehead touches hers,
her feet stamping nervously
in place, at any moment
about to shake me loose
as she would a burr
from her wild
mane
Emily Dickinson, Marry Me
I.
Emily, isn't my love as obvious
as an open field? So I ask again, Why delay
getting married? I fear if we wait
I will lose you.
Coming over today, I saw wild mares
in the hills, moving in unison,
turning their shy faces away from me.
They reminded me of you.
Emily, I long to tame one
--to throw my arms
around her neck in a long embrace.
Yet I fear her hesitation
if my forehead touches hers,
her hooves stamping nervously
in place, at any moment
about to shake me loose
as she would a burr
from her wild mane.
II.
I apologize for my first proposal—
impulsively showing up
in your house, the womenfolk as alarmed
by my arrival as birds
in trees by lightning.
Your sister Vinnie flew
from room to room trying to find you.
I half expected the floor
to be strewn with feathers
by the time you appeared
on the stairs—shaken,
your dress agitated,
as if an unsettling gust
had burst through an open window.
“I’ve come to take you
with me, Emily. It’s time
you wore a wedding ring.
Family iIlnesses have come between us
for too long. Happiness,
like a bride’s tossed bouquet,
must be seized. If we miss
our chance, it may not come again.”
Was it your mother upstairs,
sick, that held you back?
Indecisive, you swayed,
as if about to faint.
"I won’t take No for an answer.”
“No,” you finally said, tearing up
—your voice distraught
like a tethered bird’s
V4:
note: I would like to thank Judy for her great help on this....I think her version works better...what do you think?
Emily Dickinson, Marry Me
Today I saw wild mares in the hills
moving in unison,
turning their faces away in shyness
when they saw me
They reminded me of you;
I long to tame one
--to throw my arms
around her neck in a long embrace,
yet I fear her hesitation
if my forehead touches hers,
her feet stamping nervously
in place, at any moment
about to shake me loose
as she would a burr
from her wild mane
V3:
Emily Dickinson, Marry Me
Emily, isn't my love as obvious
as an open field? Why delay
getting married? My heart is big
like my house, waiting for you.
Today, coming over, I saw
wild mares in the hills
moving in unison, pausing,
changing directions rapidly
turning their faces away
at a mere glance.
Emily, I long to tame one
--to throw my arms
around her neck in a long embrace.
Yet I fear her hesitation
if my forehead touches hers,
her hooves stamping nervously
in place, at any moment
about to shake me loose
as she would a burr
from her wild
mane
V2:
Emily Dickinson, Marry Me
Emily, isn't my love as obvious
as an open field? There is no reason
to postpone. My heart is big
like my house, waiting for you
--servants at your beckoning.
You are naturally timid,
but why delay?
It can be a small wedding,
if that is what you want, dearest.
I'm afraid if we wait I'll lose you.
Today, coming over, I saw
wild mares in the hills
moving in unison, pausing,
changing directions rapidly
turning their faces away
at a mere glance.
Emily, I long to tame one
--to throw my arms
around her neck in a long embrace.
Yet I fear her hesitation
if my forehead touches hers,
her hooves stamping nervously
in place, at any moment
about to shake me loose
as she would a burr
from her wild
mane
V1:
Emily Dickinson, Marry Me
Emily, isn't my love as obvious
as an open field? There is no reason
to postpone. My heart is big
like my house, waiting for you
--servants at your beckoning.
You are naturally timid,
shy as a filly. But why delay?
It can be a small wedding,
if that is what you want, dearest.
I'm afraid if we wait I'll lose you.
Today, coming over, I saw
wild mares in the hills
moving in unison, pausing,
changing directions rapidly.
Their big eyes flashed like women
with a sixth sense about the dangers of men,
turning their faces away
at a mere glance.
Emily, I long to tame one
--to throw my arms
around her neck in a long embrace.
Yet I fear her hesitation
if my forehead touches hers,
her feet stamping nervously
in place, at any moment
about to shake me loose
as she would a burr
from her wild
mane
-
- Posts: 1619
- Joined: 01 Jun 2008, 09:17
Re: Emily Dickinson, Marry Me
BobBradshaw wrote: ↑10 Oct 2019, 20:34Emily Dickinson, Marry Me
Emily, isn't my love as obvious
as an open field? There is no reason
to postpone. My heart is big
like my house, waiting for you
--servants at your beckoning.
You are naturally timid,
shy as a filly. But why delay?
It can be a small wedding,
if that is what you want, dearest.
I'm afraid if we wait I'll lose you.
Today, coming over, I saw
wild mares in the hills
moving in unison, pausing,
changing directions rapidly.
(Their big eyes flashed like women
with a sixth sense about the dangers of men)
I think this the weakest part of the poem. Show don't tell.
turning their faces away
at a mere glance.
Emily, I long to tame one
--to throw my arms
around her neck in a long embrace.
Yet I fear her hesitation
if my forehead touches hers,
her (feet) * hooves* stamping nervously
in place, at any moment
about to shake me loose
as she would a burr
from her wild
mane
I think this a strong poem, but the equine reference may be too extended in places
-
- Posts: 2688
- Joined: 03 Jun 2016, 21:03
Re: Emily Dickinson, Marry Me
Thx for your suggestions m, Ken. I like them, and will incorporate them. bob
-
- Posts: 2688
- Joined: 03 Jun 2016, 21:03
Re: Emily Dickinson, Marry Me
I have shortened this poem...let me know if it works better
Re: Emily Dickinson, Marry Me
Which one to choose? I really do not know.
Is it the long one or short that I like, I think
Finally end up loving both.
Is it the long one or short that I like, I think
Finally end up loving both.
meenas17
Re: Emily Dickinson, Marry Me
Okay, here goes: I love the idea of proposing to Emily. But I agree, I think you have too much horse talk in there. Maybe collapse it a bit. Let the reader make the connections without spelling it all out.
I'd start here:
Emily Dickinson, Marry Me
Today I saw wild mares in the hills
moving in unison,
turning their faces away in shyness
when they saw me
They reminded me of you;
I long to tame one
--to throw my arms
around her neck in a long embrace,
yet I fear her hesitation
if my forehead touches hers,
her feet stamping nervously
in place, at any moment
about to shake me loose
as she would a burr
from her wild mane
I'd start here:
Emily Dickinson, Marry Me
Today I saw wild mares in the hills
moving in unison,
turning their faces away in shyness
when they saw me
They reminded me of you;
I long to tame one
--to throw my arms
around her neck in a long embrace,
yet I fear her hesitation
if my forehead touches hers,
her feet stamping nervously
in place, at any moment
about to shake me loose
as she would a burr
from her wild mane
-
- Posts: 2688
- Joined: 03 Jun 2016, 21:03
Re: Emily Dickinson, Marry Me
Judy, I like what you have proposed...condensing the imagery....I can see now that the opening 4 lines aren't needed....and the moving, changing directions, etc. is too much. It's good to see one's poem through different eyes....I'm sure I will go with your revisions...I just want them to marinate for a day or two....Thank you. I owe you.
Re: Emily Dickinson, Marry Me
(Fainting dead away in relief)
The general rule of thumb, as always: take what you like, discard the rest. And sometimes your ideas and my ideas turn into something better than either. Red and blue make purple. =) Yes, let it sit for a day or two; it's still your words, just rearranged a tad. And after all, the title suggests the entire poem, doesn't it.
And thank YOU for 'getting it.".
The general rule of thumb, as always: take what you like, discard the rest. And sometimes your ideas and my ideas turn into something better than either. Red and blue make purple. =) Yes, let it sit for a day or two; it's still your words, just rearranged a tad. And after all, the title suggests the entire poem, doesn't it.
And thank YOU for 'getting it.".
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- Posts: 2154
- Joined: 18 Apr 2005, 04:57
Re: Emily Dickinson, Marry Me
Hi Bob,
in accord w/ Judy's workshopping.
Now consider:
"They reminded me of you;"
as
Emily, you spontaneously came to mind
^^ reducing the pronouns & addressing w/ name of the subject
or should I say object of desire
Michael
-
- Posts: 2688
- Joined: 03 Jun 2016, 21:03
Re: Emily Dickinson, Marry Me
Thanks, Michael....like the comment. I am throwing in a much revised, longer version for consideration...let me know
-
- Posts: 2688
- Joined: 03 Jun 2016, 21:03
Re: Emily Dickinson, Marry Me — revised
I keep reworking this poem....any thoughts are welcomed.
Re: Emily Dickinson, Marry Me — revised
It might be time to put it away for a few days, let it marinate, and then come back to it.
Too easy to overwork it, and lose what you have in the process.
Too easy to overwork it, and lose what you have in the process.
Re: Emily Dickinson, Marry Me — revised
I think you’ve overworked this one. Just me probably, but I’m just not in to the whole horse image and Emily.
Maybe you know something about Emily's life I don't, so maybe the horse stuff works. You're the expert at these kinds of poems.
Maybe you know something about Emily's life I don't, so maybe the horse stuff works. You're the expert at these kinds of poems.
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- Posts: 1986
- Joined: 02 Mar 2016, 18:07
- Location: Between the mountains and the sea
Re: Emily Dickinson, Marry Me — revised
Wasn't Emily a closet lesbian?
Or had inclinations that way.
Or had inclinations that way.