How You Met Your Wife

[BobBradshaw]

V2:

How You Met Your Wife

You took a stool a few feet away.
She ordered a Black Russian,
a name, exotic, like her.

A beer, you mumbled. The ceiling fan spun
as she turned heads. You smelled
the hunger in your competition.

As the room quieted,
you could hear her breathing
and the ice clicking in glasses

as the room’s cowboys
sized her up.
Others approached, offering

a seat at their table,
a ride home later. She listened,
like someone eavesdropping

on a conversation. She was polite,
but distant. She waited for the others
to drift away, and stared

into the bottom of her glass
as if a secret message
was etched there.

That morning women
had been as remote to you
as corn fields in Nebraska.

That night you met your future wife
in a bar. Why did you go there?
You hadn't had a beer
in ten years.

V1:
How You Met Your Wife

You took a stool a few feet away.
She ordered a Black Russian,
a name as exotic as she was.

A beer, you mumbled. The ceiling fan spun
as she turned heads. You smelled
the hunger in your competition.

You could hear her breathing and the clicking
of ice tumbling into her glass
as the room quieted

and the room’s cowboys
sized her up.
Others approached, offering

a seat at their table,
a ride home later. She listened,
like someone eavesdropping

on a conversation. She was polite,
but distant. She waited for the others
to drift away, and stared

into the bottom of her glass
as if a secret message
was etched there.

That morning women
had been as remote to you
as corn fields in Nebraska.

That night you met your future wife
in a bar. Why did you go there?
You hadn't had a beer
in ten years.

[FranktheFrank]

I like.
L3, perhaps drop the 'was'? [a name as exotic as she.]

A beer, you mumbled.
Like a ceiling fan, she turned heads.
You [saw] hunger in [the] competition.

The smell of her breath washed
over you like ice tumbling
into a glass. the room quieted

Cut s4, it doesn't do much, one too many other[s]

She was offered seat at a table,
a ride home later. She listened,
like someone eavesdropping

Nice feel to this one. Maybe a nom from someone.
You have so many ones this month.

[Billy]

This is great, Bob. Love the eavesdropping line, the whole poem. If you want to get rid of one “other”, just change it to “A few approached

[BobBradshaw]

Thanks, guys, for the suggestions. I will tweak the poem.

[BobBradshaw]

Thanks, Billy, Ieuan for pointing me to S4 and the “other” issue. Ieuan, your other suggestions show your remarkable talent of visualizing and writing. I may not use the advice, but I appreciate your ideas.

[Kenneth2816]

S2 is masterstroke with the ceiling fan spun
followed by as she turned heads.

This is a great poem

[BobBradshaw]

Wow, thanks Ken.

[Michael (MV)]

Workshop-shares:

that 3rd line:

a name, exotic, like her.


that 3rd stanza:

As the room quieted,
you could hear her breathing
and the ice clicking in glasses.


Bob, these workshop suggestions are not conditional - for your perusal & consideration.


In the spirit of workshopping,



Michael (MV)

[BobBradshaw]

Thanks. I like both suggestions. I will make the changes.

[IndianaDP]

In the final stanza I would simply say, ‘that night you met her in a bar,’ the title already says it’s his future wife.

Love the poem, and a cowboy bar always gets my attention.