Revison
Revision
It is a three day affair
I remember my wedding.
Crowded with entertaiment,
music concerts and customary
rituals.
I watch the sequence in awe,
"Appa" at the entrance
greets the guests with a "Namaste".
Equally cordial, "Amma",
speaks a few words to the visitors,
embraces them.
Flowers, sandal and kum kum
are offered.
The chaste decorations,
the soft music in the background
enhance the celebration.
The guests devour the delicacies
enjoy the hospitality.
I, a shy bride, find excitement in all.
The Bridegroom enters,
my heart flutters.
The ceremonies follow.
The assembly disperses in spirit.
Pleasant mmemories!
a remembrance
The events of my wedding,
a three-day affair
crowded with entertainment.
The customary rituals.
I, from the point of concentration,
watch the sequence in awe.
In the midst of the activities, dad
shows an immaculate cordiality.
Mother expresses poise.
Her exhaustion is apparent.
Both stand on the porch,
greet people with a namaste.
The guests enjoy the delicacies.
Rejoice in the hospitality.
I find excitement in all,
driven by enthusiasm.
The ensemble disperses in spirit
Thoughts flood with pleasant memories.
a remembrance
The events of my wedding,
a three-day affair
crowded with entertainment.
The customary rituals.
I, from the point of concentration,
watch the sequence in awe.
In the midst of the activities, dad
shows an immaculate cordiality.
Mother expresses poise.
Her exhaustion is apparent.
Both stand on the porch,
greet people with a namaste.
The guests enjoy the delicacies.
Rejoice in the hospitality.
I find excitement in all,
driven by enthusiasm.
The ensemble disperses in spirit
Thoughts flood with pleasant memories.
A Rememberance
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thsrj6j7yk7
- Posts:1
- Joined:16 Jan 2018, 11:08
Re: A Rememberance
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Re: A Rememberance
M---
i suggest the poem teller close with a shy glimpse of the virile groom...
bernie
i suggest the poem teller close with a shy glimpse of the virile groom...
bernie
Re: A Rememberance
Hi Meena,
I like the poem, although I'm not too keen on the spacing between all the lines.
Eira
I like the poem, although I'm not too keen on the spacing between all the lines.
Eira
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FranktheFrank
- Posts:2022
- Joined:02 Mar 2016, 18:07
Re: A Rememberance
This is a vast improvement on your earlier work, correctly moderated in grammar
and punctuation and restraint in the use of modifiers, restraint in English usage
a remembrance [Capitalise Title] You could also benefit by removing the double spacing, your choice.
The events of my wedding,
a three-day affair
crowded with entertainment. [would suggest you use crammed instead of crowded]
The customary rituals.
I, from the point of concentration,
watch the sequence in awe.
In the midst of the activities, dad [I would prefer you use the Hindi name for Dad, and use as a name so capitalise. It would so improve the poem.]
shows an immaculate cordiality.
Mother expresses poise. [suggest a comma leading to 'her exhaustion apparent' - Hindi for mother?]
Her exhaustion is apparent.
Both stand on the porch,
greet people with a namaste. [suggest 'with namaste']
The guests enjoy the delicacies. [you could say: the guests devour the delicacies, rejoice in the hospitality.]
Rejoice in the hospitality.
I find excitement in all,
driven by enthusiasm.
The ensemble disperses in spirit [use 'assembly' not ensemble] look up the dictionary definitions of these words.
Thoughts flood with pleasant memories.
You enthusiasm for poetry is apparent
you are growing by leaps and bounds
check usage before placing in the poem
especially words you are not familiar with.
Make sure the dictionary meaning is what you mean to convey in your work.
and punctuation and restraint in the use of modifiers, restraint in English usage
a remembrance [Capitalise Title] You could also benefit by removing the double spacing, your choice.
The events of my wedding,
a three-day affair
crowded with entertainment. [would suggest you use crammed instead of crowded]
The customary rituals.
I, from the point of concentration,
watch the sequence in awe.
In the midst of the activities, dad [I would prefer you use the Hindi name for Dad, and use as a name so capitalise. It would so improve the poem.]
shows an immaculate cordiality.
Mother expresses poise. [suggest a comma leading to 'her exhaustion apparent' - Hindi for mother?]
Her exhaustion is apparent.
Both stand on the porch,
greet people with a namaste. [suggest 'with namaste']
The guests enjoy the delicacies. [you could say: the guests devour the delicacies, rejoice in the hospitality.]
Rejoice in the hospitality.
I find excitement in all,
driven by enthusiasm.
The ensemble disperses in spirit [use 'assembly' not ensemble] look up the dictionary definitions of these words.
Thoughts flood with pleasant memories.
You enthusiasm for poetry is apparent
you are growing by leaps and bounds
check usage before placing in the poem
especially words you are not familiar with.
Make sure the dictionary meaning is what you mean to convey in your work.
Re: A Rememberance
Nice to see my old poem being workshopped.
Bernie's suggestion to close the poem with a shy glimpse of the virile groom sounds great.
Eira, thanks for liking the poem in spite of the spacing between the lines.
and Frank,
your attention to details is appreciated.
Papa, mama in the vernacular will make the poem interesting.
Thanks for your encouragement.
I will be careful in usage of words.
Thanks,
Bernie's suggestion to close the poem with a shy glimpse of the virile groom sounds great.
Eira, thanks for liking the poem in spite of the spacing between the lines.
and Frank,
your attention to details is appreciated.
Papa, mama in the vernacular will make the poem interesting.
Thanks for your encouragement.
I will be careful in usage of words.
Thanks,
meenas17
Re: A Rememberance
Meena, I would love to see this revised
in time for the end of the month.
in time for the end of the month.
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FranktheFrank
- Posts:2022
- Joined:02 Mar 2016, 18:07
Re: A Rememberance
This is really nice Meena
You have improved it in revising.
Out have gone extreme words
and you have brought in moderation
yet preserved the tone.
Well done.
There are some odd syntax errors
and one typo error.
Tinker with it very gently
it is almost there.
I will leave other make practical suggestions.
I am sure some will.
You have improved it in revising.
Out have gone extreme words
and you have brought in moderation
yet preserved the tone.
Well done.
There are some odd syntax errors
and one typo error.
Tinker with it very gently
it is almost there.
I will leave other make practical suggestions.
I am sure some will.