Days Unfurl

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meenas17
Posts: 521
Joined: 23 Mar 2014, 11:27

Days Unfurl

#1 Post by meenas17 » 05 Jan 2019, 16:49

Days and nights
come and go.
Hours move fast
with engagements
pass slow when
not involved .

I see through
the years past.
Early days fly
with cheer and fun.
Adolescence sails
without a pause.

Duties weigh in the
adulthood at times
oppressing. Pain
and peace being
homogeneous make
the days crawl in old age.

Smile takes you
through the years
an adjustment here
an understanding there
lightens and lights
the days colourful.
meenas17

capricorn
Posts: 211
Joined: 21 Sep 2017, 23:23

Re: Days Unfurl

#2 Post by capricorn » 16 Jan 2019, 03:34

Hi Meena,

I've read this a few times now and I see stanza one as an introduction to the poem, but I think you could delete it and go straight in with stanza 2.

Just a thought
Eira

meenas17
Posts: 521
Joined: 23 Mar 2014, 11:27

Re: Days Unfurl

#3 Post by meenas17 » 16 Jan 2019, 17:06

Thanks Eira for dropping in.
"Days Unfurl" has received the first comment .
Yes, the first stanza looks like an introduction.
I will revise accordingly.
meenas17

BobBradshaw
Posts: 1046
Joined: 03 Jun 2016, 21:03

Re: Days Unfurl

#4 Post by BobBradshaw » 16 Jan 2019, 21:09

Don’t tell us in adjectives how you feel... tell us with fun imagery. I like the short line lengths... they complement the innocence and simplicity of the narrator’s voice. I also like Adolescence sails without a pause”.

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