Between Seasons (small edits)

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capricorn
Posts: 177
Joined: 21 Sep 2017, 23:23

Between Seasons (small edits)

#1 Post by capricorn » 11 Feb 2019, 03:58

Between Seasons

September stuns with lime and copper;
a robin’s wistful trill entices me outside
where a north westerly blast

chills to the core.
Stomping in the rain, fallen foliage
is muddied to mulch. I ache

for dog days’ heat with perpetual light.
Yuletide brings distractions
with gift shopping and gaudy baubles.

Limbs clothed in spangled white
summon me into a crystal paradise; desolate
I huddle beneath my faux fur throw, until

light glimmers. I stagger to the window,
searching, for the scarlet flash
of swallow’s return.

Edits:

St2 L1 was chills with melancholia

St2 L1 was ….heat with solar light

BobBradshaw
Posts: 1009
Joined: 03 Jun 2016, 21:03

Re: Between Seasons

#2 Post by BobBradshaw » 11 Feb 2019, 04:52

Really like the details and sounds, the alliteration etc. one nitpick: crystal paradise sounds too precious, too close to postcard description. Love that closing:

for the scarlet flash
of swallow’s return.

BobBradshaw
Posts: 1009
Joined: 03 Jun 2016, 21:03

Re: Between Seasons

#3 Post by BobBradshaw » 11 Feb 2019, 08:37

I may be wrong about the crystal paradise now that I read it again in context... not my favorite line but maybe it works. I really like this poem, the fallen foliage muddied, the faux fur...

meenas17
Posts: 513
Joined: 23 Mar 2014, 11:27

Re: Between Seasons

#4 Post by meenas17 » 11 Feb 2019, 18:00

Get a feel of September.
The first line is great.

September stuns with lime and copper.

The longing for the solar light and the the search for the return of the swallow
are expressed beautifully.

Nice.
meenas17

capricorn
Posts: 177
Joined: 21 Sep 2017, 23:23

Re: Between Seasons

#5 Post by capricorn » 13 Feb 2019, 02:48

BobBradshaw wrote:
11 Feb 2019, 04:52
Really like the details and sounds, the alliteration etc. one nitpick: crystal paradise sounds too precious, too close to postcard description. Love that closing:

for the scarlet flash
of swallow’s return.
Thanks Bob,

I did think someone might comment on 'crystal paradise' line. I'm thinking on it.

Eira

capricorn
Posts: 177
Joined: 21 Sep 2017, 23:23

Re: Between Seasons

#6 Post by capricorn » 13 Feb 2019, 02:52

BobBradshaw wrote:
11 Feb 2019, 08:37
I may be wrong about the crystal paradise now that I read it again in context... not my favorite line but maybe it works. I really like this poem, the fallen foliage muddied, the faux fur...
Glad you like it, Bob. I am thinking on that line, but as yet have not found what I'm looking for. Have made a couple of other changes.

Eira

capricorn
Posts: 177
Joined: 21 Sep 2017, 23:23

Re: Between Seasons

#7 Post by capricorn » 13 Feb 2019, 02:53

meenas17 wrote:
11 Feb 2019, 18:00
Get a feel of September.
The first line is great.

September stuns with lime and copper.

The longing for the solar light and the the search for the return of the swallow
are expressed beautifully.

Nice.
Thanks Meena - glad you enjoyed this one.

Eira

BobBradshaw
Posts: 1009
Joined: 03 Jun 2016, 21:03

Re: Between Seasons (small edits)

#8 Post by BobBradshaw » 13 Feb 2019, 08:25

Good edits

Kenneth2816
Posts: 783
Joined: 01 Jun 2008, 09:17

Re: Between Seasons (small edits)

#9 Post by Kenneth2816 » 13 Feb 2019, 18:46

Beautiful poem Bob

BobBradshaw
Posts: 1009
Joined: 03 Jun 2016, 21:03

Re: Between Seasons (small edits)

#10 Post by BobBradshaw » 13 Feb 2019, 20:38

It’s not mine...it’s Eira’s lovely poem

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