Quasimodo

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BobBradshaw
Posts: 1078
Joined: 03 Jun 2016, 21:03

Quasimodo

#1 Post by BobBradshaw » 16 Apr 2019, 22:45

V3:

Quasimodo


Within these cathedral's walls
the crowd’s hatred
calms, as inevitably

as a stirred drink settles.
Or it did before I carried Esmeralda
off to the belfry,

rescuing her from the gallows.
"Sanctuary! Sanctuary!" I shouted
to the pack of dogs below.

But even when I bring her an extra
blanket, a second cup of soup
she can't help turning away

seeing my deformity.
Why wouldn't Esmeralda fall
for the pretty Captain Phoebus?

A dried creek bed isn't as shallow
as that ass. Who said the world's just?
I could bring apples in winter

to Esmeralda, the finest wines
from the Archdeacon's collection,
and still my kindness

could not compete
with Phoebus’ flawless skin.
Against all logic my heart’s

barricades are overthrown
by her presence.
Yet I remind myself over and over,

as if repeating a vow,
that it’s enough being near her.
Why do I lie to myself?

I will always be a leper
without a colony.



V2:

Quasimodo


Within these stone walls
the world's confusion and cruelty
calms, as inevitably

as a stirred drink settles.
Or it did before I carried Esmeralda
off to Notre Dame's heights,

rescuing her from the gallows.
"Sanctuary! Sanctuary!" I shouted
to the angry pack of dogs below.

But even when I bring her an extra
blanket, a second cup of soup
she can't hide her disgust

at my deformity.
Why wouldn't Esmeralda fall
for the pretty Captain Phoebus?

A dried creek bed isn't as shallow
as that ass. Who said the world's just?
I could bring apples in winter

to Esmeralda, the finest wines
from the Archdeacon's collection,
and still I would be Quasimodo,

hunchback--my future
a dirty bed of straw.
I am a leper without a colony,

and yet my heart goes crazy
just being near her--
but I'm no fool. Lonely, I can never

fly to her, the distance
between us too great for an ugly
pigeon with clipped
wings.




V1:
Quasimodo


Taunts are hurled like stones
by boys and drunks. I duck many
because I'm stone deaf--from ringing bells.

People think that I'm dumb
when I don't respond, but I have
always known where to find peace.

The cathedral. Its walls of stone.
There the world's confusion
and cruelty calms, as inevitably

as a stirred drink settles.
Or it did before I carried Esmeralda
off to Notre Dame's heights,

rescuing her from the gallows.
"Sanctuary! Sanctuary!" I shouted
to the angry pack of dogs below.

But even when I bring her an extra
blanket, a second cup of soup
she can't hide her disgust

at my deformity.
How must I look to her? One side
of my face swollen,

my left eye squeezed shut
like a closed fist?
Why wouldn't a woman flinch

even as she accepts my gifts?
Why wouldn't Esmeralda fall
for the pretty Captain Phoebus?

A dried creek bed isn't as shallow
as that ass. Who said the world's just?
I could bring apples in winter

to Esmeralda, the finest wines
from the Archdeacon's collection,
and still I would be Quasimodo,

hunchback--my future a dirty bed of straw
shared with no one but lice.
I am a leper without a colony,

and yet my heart goes crazy
just being near her--
but I'm no fool. Lonely, I can never

fly to her, the distance
between us too great for an ugly
pigeon with clipped
wings.

Kenneth2816
Posts: 813
Joined: 01 Jun 2008, 09:17

Re: Quasimodo

#2 Post by Kenneth2816 » 16 Apr 2019, 23:14

Poignant and timely

BobBradshaw
Posts: 1078
Joined: 03 Jun 2016, 21:03

Re: Quasimodo

#3 Post by BobBradshaw » 17 Apr 2019, 02:44

Thanks, Ken

FranktheFrank
Posts: 1390
Joined: 02 Mar 2016, 18:07
Location: Between the mountains and the sea

Re: Quasimodo

#4 Post by FranktheFrank » 17 Apr 2019, 13:11

It has benefitted from some judicious pruning Bob,
Maybe cut a bit more.

BobBradshaw
Posts: 1078
Joined: 03 Jun 2016, 21:03

Re: Quasimodo

#5 Post by BobBradshaw » 17 Apr 2019, 23:21

Thx, Frank...I would love to trim, if it would help. Suggestions?

FranktheFrank
Posts: 1390
Joined: 02 Mar 2016, 18:07
Location: Between the mountains and the sea

Re: Quasimodo

#6 Post by FranktheFrank » 18 Apr 2019, 01:19

I have reworked it Bob, did it 2 days ago
but didn't like to offend you.
It's pretty drastic.
The poem is strong, just two much detailed descriptions.

BobBradshaw
Posts: 1078
Joined: 03 Jun 2016, 21:03

Re: Quasimodo

#7 Post by BobBradshaw » 18 Apr 2019, 03:08

I am never offended by suggestions. But many suggestions from well meaning readers often don’t improve the poem... so I ignore them. But as Michael and Bernie would attest, I often revise my poems, sometimes substantially, based on constructive criticism. So feel free to suggest.

BobBradshaw
Posts: 1078
Joined: 03 Jun 2016, 21:03

Re: Quasimodo

#8 Post by BobBradshaw » 18 Apr 2019, 07:49

Frank, I have shortened "Quasimodo". I think your instincts were right, that it needed to be given a generous trim. Let me know your thoughts....others too. Best

FranktheFrank
Posts: 1390
Joined: 02 Mar 2016, 18:07
Location: Between the mountains and the sea

Re: Quasimodo

#9 Post by FranktheFrank » 20 Apr 2019, 02:39

Ekphrastic really as we know the story,
so maybe far too descriptive. Perhaps the fire
was the spark, and I like the thought behind it, to
bring attention to the current story unfolding in Paris
and the famous hunchback and his beloved, a story
of unrequited love, repulsive as he is and deaf as a
cracked bell, he is pure inside and the crowd filled with hatred.

Within these stone [cathedral] walls
the world's [crowd's hatred] confusion and cruelty
calms, as inevitably

as a stirred drink settles.
Or it did before I carried Esmeralda [her - we know her name]
off to Notre Dame's heights, [cut Notre dame it's in the title]

rescuing her from the gallows.
"Sanctuary! Sanctuary!" I shouted
to the angry pack of dogs below. [maybe too emotive let the story tell 'pack of dogs is insulting to dogs' :) they are the evil side of humanity]

But even when I bring her an extra
blanket, a second cup of soup
she can't hide her disgust [I find this far to descriptive, maybe: 'when I bring soup, I notice she draws away or shrinks a little - if only I could win her with kindness I have little else to give compared to her handsome captain,]

at my deformity.
Why wouldn't Esmeralda fall
for the pretty Captain Phoebus? line 2 nad 3 are excellent, leave them in. No need to mention the hump, it's like the elephant in the room. :)

A dried creek bed isn't as shallow [excellent line]
as that ass. Who said the world's just?
I could bring apples in winter

to Esmeralda, the finest wines
from the Archdeacon's collection,
and still I would be Quasimodo, [cut this strophe/stranza]

hunchback--my future
a dirty bed of straw.
I am a leper without a colony, [excellent line]

and yet my heart goes crazy
just being near her--
but I'm no fool. Lonely, I can never [this isn't bad, a bit more]

[I would stop here- the ambition of this 'S' excellent, needs a tad more to finish of in triumph.
The kind of triumph as in when Christ Jesus the God of all the Universe rises from the grave
after terrible affliction from men to save fallen mankind. Willing ness to sacrifice all for the love of man [a woman].
Maybe show satisfaction that just being near her is enough.

fly to her, the distance
between us too great for an ugly
pigeon with clipped
wings.

I hope not savage Bob, but it has great potential, great potential.

Michael (MV)
Posts: 1452
Joined: 18 Apr 2005, 04:57

Re: Quasimodo

#10 Post by Michael (MV) » 20 Apr 2019, 04:57

Bob.

Victor Hugo would like

I certainly do

Actually I wrote a Quasimodo poem years ago; Notre Dame & your poem have given me cause to retrieve & source it in 2019.

I like "Notre Dame's heights"
since the persona/title role is Quasimodo, consider leaving the anti-hero out of that space. Look/read with
"Notre Dame's heights" in that space.
Then in the text

Or it did before I carried Esmeralda
away to the cathedral's belfry.

In subsequent, I find these side lines.

Quasimodo & Esmeralda
find sanctuary
at Notre Dame's heights

He takes Beauty
to the belfry -
Quasimodo's
man cave

^^ needless to say I hear Heathcliff & Cathy @ Wuthering Heights


Bob,

I wrote more, but I lost it. I hope to resume, but for now. I need to tend to a belated
April IBPC thread at Palaver.

Bob, your Quasimodo poem is on my short list for May. I hope it will be available.

😎

Michael (MV)

BobBradshaw
Posts: 1078
Joined: 03 Jun 2016, 21:03

Re: Quasimodo

#11 Post by BobBradshaw » 20 Apr 2019, 06:27

Thx, Michael... it will be available for the short list for May...
I like your belfry line....
but now I need to go check the March poems

BobBradshaw
Posts: 1078
Joined: 03 Jun 2016, 21:03

Re: Quasimodo

#12 Post by BobBradshaw » 20 Apr 2019, 06:28

Frank, I appreciate your insights and suggestions...I have incorporated some of them. Let me know your thoughts....

BobBradshaw
Posts: 1078
Joined: 03 Jun 2016, 21:03

Re: Quasimodo

#13 Post by BobBradshaw » 20 Apr 2019, 07:11

Michael and Frank, please let me know if V3 works better than V2, etc. Best, Bob

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