Flight

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judyt547
Posts: 106
Joined: 17 Jan 2013, 19:46
Location: middle of the woods
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Flight

#1 Post by judyt547 » 29 Oct 2019, 21:18

flight

if you were to go from here
trailing your long white feet
in the dust like a flightless bird
wanting to fly, not knowing how,
I would wait to watch
you go, heart closed
against the weather
brewing in your eyes:
never saying stay or go

only wait for you
to come back
as if nothing
had happened,
to finish your
breakfast cooling
on the table,

or make that last long step
over the final rise and take wing

Kenneth2816
Posts: 1176
Joined: 01 Jun 2008, 09:17

Re: Flight

#2 Post by Kenneth2816 » 29 Oct 2019, 22:42

Good premise. I'd put a stanza break after how.
I think the opening is a tad cumbersome with "flightless bird wanting to fly." I have no idea to improve it though. It might just be necessary.

Heart closed against the weather brewing in your eyes is a magnificent line.

BobBradshaw
Posts: 1366
Joined: 03 Jun 2016, 21:03

Re: Flight

#3 Post by BobBradshaw » 29 Oct 2019, 23:09

I agree...the best line is "the weather brewing in your eyes"....a good premise, yes, and one which could be expanded on...adding some details to the breakfast cooling on the table, for example. As always, I like your conversational voice. It carries me along so easily.

judyt547
Posts: 106
Joined: 17 Jan 2013, 19:46
Location: middle of the woods
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Re: Flight

#4 Post by judyt547 » 29 Oct 2019, 23:53

Preview: Re: Flight
flight

if you were to go from here
trailing your long white feet
in the dust like a flightless bird
wanting to fly, not knowing how

I would wait to watch
you go, heart closed
against the weather
brewing in your eyes:
never saying stay or go

only wait for you
to come back
as if nothing
had happened,
to finish your
breakfast cooling
on the table,

or make that long step
over the final rise and take wing


Thank you. This is the first time I've found anyone who likes this, besides me. =) I generally hesitate to put in too much detail about the small stuff in a poem, since it seems to draw the reader's attention away from the subject, and while, for example, you are mentally debating the corectness of hot cereal or eggs, the rest of the poem takes flight all by itself. :)

I have a poem here that I read at a workshop, and the first question was, "what kind of a bridge was it?" it isn't about the bridge, it's about the river, and the swimmer. 'but but but...was it a stone bridge? was it wood? what did it look like?"

BobBradshaw
Posts: 1366
Joined: 03 Jun 2016, 21:03

Re: Flight

#5 Post by BobBradshaw » 30 Oct 2019, 00:53

A poem isn't meant to be a hoarder's collection. But details can be revealing, and allow the reader to immerse herself into the poem, to feel more of a connection. Irrelevant details obviously aren't what we are talking about. This is a nice poem....but a detail or two, even a right adjective, could liven it up a bit.

judyt547
Posts: 106
Joined: 17 Jan 2013, 19:46
Location: middle of the woods
Contact:

Re: Flight

#6 Post by judyt547 » 30 Oct 2019, 02:00

Fledgling

if you were to go from here
trailing your long white feet
in the dust like a flightless bird
wanting to fly, not knowing how

I would wait to watch
you go, heart aching but closed
against the weather
brewing in your eyes:
never saying stay or go

only wait for you
to come back
as if nothing
had happened,
to finish your breakfast
cooling on the table,

or make that long step
over the final rise and take wing

FranktheFrank
Posts: 1532
Joined: 02 Mar 2016, 18:07
Location: Between the mountains and the sea

Re: Flight

#7 Post by FranktheFrank » 30 Oct 2019, 15:12

Someone once wrote 'Poetry isn't a code to be broken'.

But most modern poetry is like a crossword puzzle
where the reader has to do so much work by himself/herself
and interpret. Seemingly the reader can deduce a completely
different narrative from what the poet intended and yet
it is still a good poem.
I write in the main narrative and prose type poems
with a few found, now and then ekphrastic, I am happy in this.
Bernie Henrie has said, poetry started with narrative.

If the code is so sparse that it can almost mean anything
then it is self defeating. The winning poems of the national
competitions are just a few lines and its a long shot to
get any sense out of them, that is the current mode.

What do I get from this poem of Judy, I get a parent
willing her child to leave home, but without telling
said child to do so one way or the other.

FranktheFrank
Posts: 1532
Joined: 02 Mar 2016, 18:07
Location: Between the mountains and the sea

Re: Flight

#8 Post by FranktheFrank » 30 Oct 2019, 15:14

I think the title: 'Fledgling' gives much away, yet I prefer it
as it removes doubt.

And as Bob said details enliven a poem as long as they are not irrelevant
fledgling is so apt.

judyt547
Posts: 106
Joined: 17 Jan 2013, 19:46
Location: middle of the woods
Contact:

Re: Flight

#9 Post by judyt547 » 30 Oct 2019, 16:24

This was the problem I was having with the poem, and what was obviously the problem
other people were having too; they were confused by the lack of nails in the board,
so to speak. And you know, I stared at that and stared at that, and realized that while
I thought I'd been writing about a husband/lover wanting to leave, it was really about
a young man getting ready to go out on his own.

Frank, you got it in one. Thank you. And I agree, some poems shout to be explained
and the nine people in the word who 'get it' are like a private club. You have to be in
the right group who has read De Beauvoir or Geroges Sand or Dostoyevsky to understand
that THIS is what the damn thing is about. There's a certain exclusivity about that
that sort of negates the whole idea of poety, in some way. Tell, don't show.

Kenneth2816
Posts: 1176
Joined: 01 Jun 2008, 09:17

Re: Flight

#10 Post by Kenneth2816 » 30 Oct 2019, 20:22

Who is leaving is irrelevant because the poem is about how N feels

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