Honor and Obey

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Kenneth2816
Posts: 1176
Joined: 01 Jun 2008, 09:17

Honor and Obey

#1 Post by Kenneth2816 » 29 Oct 2019, 22:32

Elvis was part of your life
and there was nothing you could do.

When "Love Me Tender" charted,
he was the first person whose
image was recognized in every country.

Mama was 24 with two kids.
Her sisters ran a beauty parlor,
always going around in rollers.

They got three tickets to see him
at the National Guard Armory
but my father forbade it.

" Please, Harry. We won't stay
for the whole thing."
I said no.

"I promise we'll come right home."
I said no.

It was the first time I saw her cry.
She threw on an apron, whipped
up potatoes and meat loaf,

fixed his plate and asked softly,
"does it need any salt?"

BobBradshaw
Posts: 1366
Joined: 03 Jun 2016, 21:03

Re: Honor and Obey

#2 Post by BobBradshaw » 31 Oct 2019, 00:36

Good slice of life but I would cut this... unnecessary

I promise we'll come right home."
I said no.

judyt547
Posts: 106
Joined: 17 Jan 2013, 19:46
Location: middle of the woods
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Re: Honor and Obey

#3 Post by judyt547 » 31 Oct 2019, 02:14

You've switched pronouns in mid poem, Ken, it's very confusing.
"my father forbade it" becomes, in the next stanza, "I said no."

I think this needs both some reworking and maybe condensing.

Kenneth2816
Posts: 1176
Joined: 01 Jun 2008, 09:17

Re: Honor and Obey

#4 Post by Kenneth2816 » 31 Oct 2019, 03:05

Thanks

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