A Tryst

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meenas17
Posts: 683
Joined: 23 Mar 2014, 11:27

A Tryst

#1 Post by meenas17 » 03 Nov 2019, 20:21

Caught in between
the traffic ,
I stand aghast.

Wholly drenched,
the clothes cling
to the body.

My feet trapped
in the slush remains
static.

I attempt to pull
them out, I slip
and slope.

Straighten myself
stand all through
unable to take a step.

Rains turn torrential
I go down slowly
inch by inch.

Sinking I cry
my voice fails
while I shiver.

I become numb
I am devastated
fatigue overwhelms.

My eyes close
I lose track
wake up

to familiar sounds
realize it is a dream
one of rains,
meenas17

judyt547
Posts: 106
Joined: 17 Jan 2013, 19:46
Location: middle of the woods
Contact:

Re: A Tryst

#2 Post by judyt547 » 03 Nov 2019, 22:48

Meenas, not sure where you're going with this, I find it difficult to follow.
The language is "off", and it needs some work on the punctuation.

Too many personal pronouns when you could probably reduce them to no more than one per stanza,
if even that. No sure where the "tryst' in the title comes in.

If your feet are stuck, it helps the reader to know why, or what they're stuck in. Or on.
If you're sinking, what are you sinking into? Are you sinking, or is it merely that the
water is rising?

I'd love to see a stronger conclusion, beyond just "one of rains". Perhaps even something
as simple as "one of rains that never end" or anything to tie it up a bit.

Kenneth2816
Posts: 1176
Joined: 01 Jun 2008, 09:17

Re: A Tryst

#3 Post by Kenneth2816 » 04 Nov 2019, 14:48

I get that it's a dreamscape and thus the feelings are not necessarily rooted in some event. I've had those kind of nightmares and they feel horrible.

meenas17
Posts: 683
Joined: 23 Mar 2014, 11:27

Re: A Tryst

#4 Post by meenas17 » 06 Nov 2019, 20:18

Judy, thanks for commenting.
I will look into the faults.
I state it is a dream.
Dreams do not have logic.
It is the subconscious that is working.
meenas17

meenas17
Posts: 683
Joined: 23 Mar 2014, 11:27

Re: A Tryst

#5 Post by meenas17 » 06 Nov 2019, 20:20

Ken, thanks for the understanding.
I keep getting such dreams very often nowadays.
This being one of them.
meenas17

FranktheFrank
Posts: 1532
Joined: 02 Mar 2016, 18:07
Location: Between the mountains and the sea

Re: A Tryst

#6 Post by FranktheFrank » 06 Nov 2019, 21:45

Meena, you are improving all the time
Judy makes some valid points
it could do with some work.

Just a little tidying up, that's all.

judyt547
Posts: 106
Joined: 17 Jan 2013, 19:46
Location: middle of the woods
Contact:

Re: A Tryst

#7 Post by judyt547 » 06 Nov 2019, 23:45

I can relate to weird dreams, it's like they're shouting at us about something
but we have no idea what "LOOK OUT" means in the dream world. It can also
be extremely hard to translate that kind of surreal experience into language.

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