Untitled

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judyt547
Posts: 106
Joined: 17 Jan 2013, 19:46
Location: middle of the woods
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Untitled

#1 Post by judyt547 » 04 Nov 2019, 18:15

She learned at last to be content
with silence
to keep the hand open
the eyes steady
the heart whole. And when he went away
she learned to be content
with nothing where something had been;
the afternoons were fine, the evenings
could be endured; but mornings, when the sky
was deep with promise and cloud,
when the sun rose over everything and wind
carried the scent of fresh cut grass
and lilacs beginning to fade,
then the hours dragged, and reason departed.
That this much beauty still existed
that greens continued to hurt the eye
and blues continued to break the heart
seemed a cruel joke by a cruel God
who had heard her more than once
complaining bitterly
about how bright the light was
and how it caused her to weep
for no particular reason that she could see
except that there was one less shadow
to shield her from the light.

chip away. I feel it's too long, but im not sure what to cut and what to save, if anything

Kenneth2816
Posts: 1176
Joined: 01 Jun 2008, 09:17

Re: Untitled

#2 Post by Kenneth2816 » 04 Nov 2019, 19:01

No such thing as too long. However some judicious stanza breaks might benefit the poem. I think it a good poem. Engaging, easily relatable

judyt547
Posts: 106
Joined: 17 Jan 2013, 19:46
Location: middle of the woods
Contact:

Re: Untitled revision

#3 Post by judyt547 » 04 Nov 2019, 19:17

She learned at last to be content
with silence
to keep the hand open
the eyes steady
the heart whole. And when he went away

she learned to be content
with nothing where something had been;
the afternoons were fine, the evenings
could be endured; but mornings, when the sky
was deep with promise and cloud,

when the sun rose over everything and wind
carried the scent of fresh cut grass
and lilacs beginning to fade,
then the hours dragged, and reason departed.

That this much beauty still existed
that greens continued to hurt the eye
and blues continued to break the heart
seemed a cruel joke by a cruel God
who had heard her more than once

complaining bitterly
about how bright the light was
and how it caused her to weep
for no particular reason that she could see
except that there was one less shadow
to shield her from the light.

FranktheFrank
Posts: 1532
Joined: 02 Mar 2016, 18:07
Location: Between the mountains and the sea

Re: Untitled

#4 Post by FranktheFrank » 06 Nov 2019, 03:13

God is coming more into your work
I wonder if there is a reason

It could be N has lost faith
and is complaining the He (God) has left her
not sure.

judyt547
Posts: 106
Joined: 17 Jan 2013, 19:46
Location: middle of the woods
Contact:

Re: Untitled

#5 Post by judyt547 » 06 Nov 2019, 04:03

nteresting. I never considered that before, but it does sort of leave the whole thing open to interpretation
doesn't it.

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