Beethoven Unhappy

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BobBradshaw
Posts: 1563
Joined: 03 Jun 2016, 21:03

Beethoven Unhappy

#1 Post by BobBradshaw » 16 Jun 2020, 09:32

V2:

Beethoven Unhappy

To view the trees
across from his apartment,
Uncle hired a stonemason
to knock a hole in a wall.

The landlord, enraged,
demanded Uncle move.

He couldn't satisfy critics
anymore than landlords.
"Why can’t you compose
more like Haydn--
or Mozart
?"

His orchestras were unhappy,
always plotting rebellions against him
for his unplayable scores.

His neighbors
would confront him late at night,
Uncle in his underwear.

He would squint at them
like a misanthrope
confronting beggars.

His answer to their complaints?
A slammed door.

Years after his death
they still recall his music,
restless as surf
rumbling across their ceilings.

Groggy, they would bang
on the landlord's door
the next morning
with their usual complaint
about the awful
noise.


V1:
Beethoven Unhappy

To view the trees
across from his apartment,
Uncle hired a stonemason
to knock a hole in a wall.

The landlord, enraged,
demanded Uncle move.

He couldn't satisfy critics
anymore than landlords.
"Why can’t you compose
more like Haydn--
or Mozart
?"

Whatever I did to please him—
obtaining lodgings,
purchasing quills,
buying supplies
was met with the same question:
"Where were you?
You are as slow as a day
of fasting."

His orchestras were unhappy,
always plotting rebellions against him
for his unplayable scores.

His neighbors
would confront him late at night,
Uncle in his underwear.

He would squint at them
like a misanthrope
confronting beggars.

His answer to their complaints?
A slammed door.

Years after his death
they still recall his music,
restless as surf rumbling
across their ceilings.

and how groggy, they would bang
on the landlord's door
the next morning
with their usual complaint
about the awful
noise.

SivaRamanathan
Posts: 1169
Joined: 14 May 2011, 20:30

Re: Beethoven Unhappy

#2 Post by SivaRamanathan » 17 Jun 2020, 07:27

Bob
Some very unusual comparisons here

Where were you?
You are as slow as a day
of fasting."

Is this alright?

his neighbors
would confront him late at night,
Uncle in his underwear.


I am also not too sure of

and how groggy,

BobBradshaw
Posts: 1563
Joined: 03 Jun 2016, 21:03

Re: Beethoven Unhappy

#3 Post by BobBradshaw » 17 Jun 2020, 09:57

Thx for commenting but I don’t understand your gist. Could you elaborate?

SivaRamanathan
Posts: 1169
Joined: 14 May 2011, 20:30

Re: Beethoven Unhappy

#4 Post by SivaRamanathan » 17 Jun 2020, 22:51

I wrote but I forgot to click.I will rewrite tomorrow.

BobBradshaw
Posts: 1563
Joined: 03 Jun 2016, 21:03

Re: Beethoven Unhappy

#5 Post by BobBradshaw » 18 Jun 2020, 07:16

I’ve shortened the poem to give it a better flow.

SivaRamanathan
Posts: 1169
Joined: 14 May 2011, 20:30

Re: Beethoven Unhappy

#6 Post by SivaRamanathan » 18 Jun 2020, 13:05

Bob
This sounds better,more tight.

Groogy, they would bang
on the landlord's door
the next morning
with their usual complaint
about the awful noise.
--------------------------------------------
the awful
noise.

--------
'awful noise' without pausing sounds better.The other one with the noise in the last line is as if you are giving more importance to noise.

BobBradshaw
Posts: 1563
Joined: 03 Jun 2016, 21:03

Re: Beethoven Unhappy

#7 Post by BobBradshaw » 18 Jun 2020, 23:35

Thanks, Siva

SivaRamanathan
Posts: 1169
Joined: 14 May 2011, 20:30

Re: Beethoven Unhappy

#8 Post by SivaRamanathan » 19 Jun 2020, 13:08

Bob
Use your discretion.
S

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